Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Kudos to RTA (I'm afraid)

It’s probably the same scenario the world over. In every office place, there’s a certain man for certain tasks. Sardar ji is the transportation expert in our midst. He’s intimately familiar with every single square inch of black top in Dubai. He knows every detour and every diversion and can even predict the progress of all road works all over town. And, for God sake, he knows the ARABIC names of most of Dubai secondary streets.

In short, he’s the embodiment of RTA’s ‘my destination’ service.

The man to turn too when you’re stuck in traffic.

Two months ago, the relentless plowing forward of the metro project had taken over several major parking lots in downtown Dubai. These parking havens were vital for DM visitors. Yours truly included. When I finished grieving over their loss, I was hit with the sobriety and gravity of the situation. I already had to wait between 30 to 60 minutes to get a fucking parking space in that area, and usually not without a fight. Now with the decimation of parking options, I will probably have to wait 2 hours or more. I don’t know about you, but it seemed to me like a serious situation. Taxis were ruled out, they’re generally unreliable, and you can’t get a cab in the area around our office, anyway.

Time to call Sardar ji.


And as always, he’s right on the money. Man I love that guy. His experience isn’t limited to terrestrial areas; he can go amphibious any time you like. His advice was simple: drive up to Al Seef waterbus station, park, get all you need and get going on the waterbus. It’ll drop you in Bani Yas station. You get off the bus, cross the road, and lo and behold, you’re in Dubai Municipality.

And as advised I did, and wasn’t at all disappointed. The shuttle bus leaves the station every 15 minutes. But it reaches the pier 5 minutes prior to departure. So your average waiting time is 5 minutes. Fare? a whopping 4 Derhams for two-way ticket.

Compared with 2 hours waiting time (flat), and at least 20 minutes more driving time, the waterbus wins hands down.

Plus, it’s air conditioned. And it’s also kind of fun.


Sunday, July 26, 2009

You're hot and you're cold

I will have naught to do with a man who can blow hot and cold with the same breath

Aesop, (620-560 BC)

I’m sitting here in the office, sweating through every pore in my skin. It’s hot. The air-con is usually controlled through a small wall-mounted gadget called ‘thermostat’. I’m sure you are all familiar with it. Well, ours is currently set to full air intensity and the lowest temperature possible, but with little effect. We’ve yelled at the senior office keeper and threw few empty threats. It worked, he’d called the maintenance people, but they said they’re extremely busy with other maintenance jobs all over town, and Sir they won't be able to attend to our predicament until after tomorrow, Sir.

The National weatherman is claiming that the weather in Dubai is "extremely hot" and "muggy". Well, how hot? Temperature for today a whopping 36.0ºC. Can you fucking believe that? And the forecast for tomorrow, high of 39.0ºC. There are abundance of empirical evidence to refute the figures for temperature (my wet underpants, for starters), but I'm intrigued to make use of the increment; 3 degrees. So if we assume that the temperature for today is 45 ºC, then tomorrow it's going to be 48 ºC. And so one and so forth.

How nice.

It wasn't better at the mall when I went there for lunch, I sat in the food court, sweating my ass off and sipping the hot chicken soup. I acknowledge that I'm more prone to sweating given the intensity of PT I'm putting myself through. But I could feel that most people were uncomfortable, too. Especially the ones with few pounds (aka 100) around the waist.

I haven't experienced a real winter for loooong time...... ever since I've entered the world of expatriates. And now I yearn for the cold. You know the kind where you frantically rub your hands lest they go numb, and then you tuck them between your upper thighs and press them together. The kind where you try to avoid sleet when you walk down the street, but the bursts of electric cold will shoot through the soles of your shoes and tell you the dry bits are even colder than the sleet. The kind where you need to get up on the roof and stir and diesel tank with a poker because it's freezing. The kind where you watch the roaring flames of the diesel heater (Sobia) and yearn for the summer times. The kind where you can't venture out of the warm zone without bundling up like pole bears...



Well, I guess I'm gonna take me to the Ski slope later today. Dubai will always help you put yourself in whatever make-believe world you desire.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

In the search for the Perfect Name




An Indian friend of mine from the state of Kerala has been blessed with a baby boy. Riaz is Muslim, so it's imperative that his son gets an Arabic name. He came to me with this enquiry:

"I want an Arabic name that's not so classic, but at the same time has a strong rhythm to it, you know? like Fahad or Hamad. Something rare, too"

"Fahad is classic name man," I said, "I don't know who told you otherwise."

"really?"

"Yes, and it's not rare either, it's very popular in Saudi Arabia and Kuwait"

"So can you give me something else? withtin that criteria?"

"....hmmmm... how about Tarek? I personally like it"

"my brother's name is Tarek"

"OK. How about Khalid?"

He frowned. Khalid is the name of one of his Egyptian colleagues. They don't get along quite well.

"How about Anwar?"

He shook his head "there was a corrupt politician in our state by that name"

"What if the charges were bogus?"

He frowned again.

"What if you give your son a name and then some politician by the same name decides to go corrupt?" I said to his deeply furrowed face, ".... no offence, man, but politics in your state are dirty like hell. It's not far-fetched that could happen"

"no, no... don't worry." he replied, "If that happens afterwards, people will understand. But if I do it now, they will think I'm pro-corruption or something."

"How about Saddam?"

His furrows dug deeper.

"OK. Now seriously, Rami is a very cool name. It's also one of my personal favorites"

He shook his head again, "can't do it. There's a Hindu God by the name of Rama."

"So what?" I replied. "there are 100,000 actively worshiped Gods in your country, man. Chances are every Arabic name sounds close to one of them"

"OK. But this God is really famous. It's one of the few whose name we should avoid"

"That's cool. hmmmm. How about Radhwan?. You know, it's a good in the sense that it sounds very Arabic and it's easy to pronounce"

"Rizwan?"

"no, no. Radhwan. With the "Dh" like in "Al Dhaleen""

"oh, I see." he thought a little. "Can't happen. My wife's name is Rizwana"

"I'm about to give up"
He paused and then said:

"somebody suggested the name "Sayef", what do you think?" he asked me.

"It's OK. But it's also a little blunt in the sense that it's the most widely used name of the sword. By the way, did you know there are 50 synonyms for sword in Arabic?" He didn't. So I pressed on "how about one of the other poetic names for sword, like Hosam or Mohanad?"

"What? Hosam? sounds soft"

"soft? what are you talking about? it's one of the sword's names. And by the way, I'm the one who will decide what's soft and what's not...... how about Mohanad?"

Riaz, whose name should have been Riyadh, hesistated but then replied in a pleading tone: "sorry, but it also sounds soft"

"Fine. How about Hani? it sounds soft in Arabic. So maybe it'd sound macho to you"

"No. It actually sounds Christian"

"How about Kareem?"

"That's a Pakistani cricketer"

........

........

"OK man, listen." I finally said as I was about to finish this conversation once and for all. "I will do a google search and send you an email. I trust you can read Arabic writing? that's good. There must be hunderds of names out there, so even the most severe process of elimination couldn't disqualify all of them. Good luck and Mabrook!"

Friday, July 24, 2009

أنفلونزا العلمانيين المنافقين الأنجاس!!!!!....ء

Apologies to all my English-speaking readers; I'm conducting some house-cleaning services for the Syrian blogsphere today.
.
.
نعم أيها الدكتور الفهمان! لقد كلفك الله بإزالة روث العلمانيين المنافقين من الأرض! انها الانفلونزا الكريهة التي تعتري أوصال مجتمعنا: كيف يجرؤ هؤلاء الأوغاد على الدعوة إلى حرية المعتقد و إلى فصل الدين عن الدولة؟ لعنهم الله من خنازير! فلتستل مبضعك و لنجتثهم معاً من جسد مجتمعنا الطاهر!....ء

لا عليك من التناقض الفاضح الواضح في طرحك: فمأخذك الأساسي عليهم أنهم يطلقون تعميمات عشوائية على المتدينين, ولكنك أنت نفسك لم تتورع عن وصم جميع العلمانيين بالنفاق, حتى أنك لم تأتي بأمثلة على نفاقهم. أوليس هذا تعميما أيها الدكتور الفطحل؟ أوليس هذا نفاقا؟

ولكن لا تهتم و لا تكترث بهم! فأنت الحق و هم الباطل و سيزهقون!!....ء

فضولي يغمرني هنا يا دكتور: و لعلي أسألك: كيف تريد اجتثاثهم؟ و خاصة تلك الفئة التي تدعوها بالـ"الخبيثة" و التي تدعي أنها تخطط و توجه من غرفة عملياتهم تحت الأرض. أنا برأيي أن نزرع بينهم جاسوسا ينقل لنا آخر خططهم و تدابيرهم. ولكنني أخشى أن يصاب هذا الجاسوس بمرضهم و ينقله الينا. فتعلم أنت ما لديهم من المكر و الخبث. و الأنكى من ذلك, ممكن أن يقوموا بتجنيد هذا العميل لكي يعمل لصالحهم. فيغدو عميلا مزدوجا و يسيء لنا في النهاية. لا أيها الدكتور, إتها فكرة غبية, سدد الله خطاك.

و هنا سؤال يطرح نفسه يا دكتور, لماذا تكرههم إلى هذا الحد؟ لا يبدو لي أنهم يكرهونك أو أنهم يكترثون لك. و إذا أردت الصراحة, يبدو أنهم لا يعبؤن بك على الإطلاق, اللهم إلا عندما ترتدي عباءة طبك البيضاء و حقيبة السامسونايد التي تحتوي في رأيك على مجموعة ممتعة من التحاميل, و تأتي تطرق على أبوابهم لتفرض علاجاتك عليهم "بالزور". و ترى بعضهم يتقيأ و الآخر يصيبه الاسهال لمجرد سماع نصائحك الطبية. و أنت بدورك تفسر ذلك على أنه مرض و بأن أعراضه لن تزول عنهم حتى يقوموا بالتهام وصفاتك الدوائية المكونة من الأعشاب السحرية, ففي رأيك السديد, وحدها وصفاتك الدوائية تشفي المرضى و تُطهر الغلمان.

ولكن أيها الدكتور الضليع: ماذا لو أراد هؤلاء" المرضى" استشارة طبيب آخر؟ أو أن ينشدو العلاج في مستشفيات أخرى؟ لماذا تريد أن تجبرهم على أن يقتنعوا بتشخيصك أنت وحدك؟ أتخشى من المنافسة؟ أم تخشى أن يقال لهم أنهم أسوياء أصحاء, فينبذوك و يسخروا منك؟؟

سنعود من حيث بدأنا حينئذٍ, ستعود لوصفهم بالخبث و المكر و المرض لأنهم يسخرون منك....ء

آخخخخخخ.... لعمري إن هذا الموضوع أتى لي بالصداع.

خلاصة القول أيها الدكتور: لما لا تختصر الموضوع علينا و عليك و تحتفظ بحكمك الطبية لنفسك؟

بهذه الطريقة لن يسخر منك أحد على الإطلاق! و لن يصابوا بحساسية منك أبدا!.......ء

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Swim baby, swim

It's beyond the boundaries of my professional expertise to dispense commentaries on physical training, but I'm afraid this post is all about me doing that; giving you the condensed summary of what I've learned in the past couple of years. So bear with me.

First, I think you could quite comfortably liken exercise in the humid weather of Dubai to the lauded high-altitude exercise. The lower rate of oxygen in the air is almost palpable. Some gurus recommend this kind of training. I don't exactly know why, but I can hazard a guess: exercise in such conditions acclimates your body to lower oxygen intakes. It forces your respiratory system to take in more air per-time unit. In other words, you'd be panting a lot at first. But once you get used to it, you'd have the chance of exploiting your breathing power in a harsher physical exertion when oxygen levels get back to normal.

Because water temperature is OK (i.e. barely below boiling), and because lying down is always better than standing erect; I usually feel more inclined to swim than to jog in the summer. I've done quite a lot of swimming last year. Partly inspired by Michael Phelps, and partly by two-piece bikinis. This year, though, I decided I had enough fluttering and floundering. So I went on youtube and watched quite few interesting videos on swimming techniques. I learned, for instance, that I should be exhaling air underwater. And that I should try to take breath from one side while twisting my shoulders rather than turning my head left and right like an entranced Sufi. I learned few drills, too. And then I went to work on them. But whilst I can watch my jogging on the treadmill just by looking at the mirror, I can never watch myself swimming and be able to take notes to compare with the videos. So I just kept on practicing and assuming that I'm on the track of progress. I would have asked my fellow pool inhabitants to watch and give me tips, but usually they're either of the type that sports a huge potbelly (like a marsupial animal) or the type that keeps spattering ellalla ellalla inbetween squeaking laughters. So I keep to myself and hope that I'm doing it right. And my morales are reinforced by the fact that my breathing is getting better with time and my upper body is getting toned quite nicely (girls take note).

But that, unfortunately, doesn't mean much. Swimming fitness can improve regardless of the technique. In other words, you could have great stamina and muscled body and be trumped by a 10 YO boy in a single lap race. So I reverted to the videos again and tried to analyze and discern where things could be improved. I wondered if I can trust the ellalla spattering people--who are always standing by the corner doing nothing but creating undue waves and wetting their crotches, to take a video of me doing the freestyle consecutive 2 laps. But I was concerned they'd be overcome with their uproarious laughters and drop my phone in the water. So I just gave up on third party observants and moved on (or swam on, rather).

Given all the above, I was thrilled today to see a lifeguard doing laps next to me in the pool. He's not a dedicated lifeguard to the pool, he's just a lifeguard who lives in the building. (you may remember I mentioned before how 99% of my fellow building residents are hotel staff of one of Dubai's 5 stars hotels). So this guy is a lifeguard for the swimming pool in that hotel. When I noticed him, I was already past my 20th lap and it was time for a rest. So I sat on a wooden chair and watched him do variety of things I can barely name.

Darn.

It looks so easy.

I must be doing the same thing, ain't it?

OK. It's time to teach this punk a lesson.

Lifeguard my ass.

I dropped in the water and started paddling with my palms like an Olympic champ. I synchronized my setting off with his, so it'd look like a race. Even if he didn't know (his problem). I felt the adrenaline charge through my blood circulation, it was my chance to show off months work.

Stroke Stroke Stroke

Does he not know I'm from Aleppo? we have Hisham Al Masry, baby. Who could race all the people of Lattakia and Tartous combined and leave them panting half-way.

Stroke Stroke Stroke

Goddamit. This is harder than I thought. I should come up for air.

Stroke. Exhale. Twist Shoulder. Open Mouth. Gulp for air...WTF?

....water?

Choke on water. Lose harmony. Lose coordination. Lose race.

I fucking hate this. I reached the pool edge and ejected enough saliva to lubricate two porn movies. I panted and coughed and panted again.

To his credit, the lifeguard felt that something was up with me. So he offered to give me few tips about freestyle. He went on explaining a drill I already knew about, but I pretended to listen with deep interest because I wanted him to WATCH me doing it. This is the moment I've been waiting for. A feedback from someone professional.

So I took couple of deep breaths (not from the ribcage, but from the diaphragm as advised by the same sports gurus), poised myself like the graceful Michael Phelps right before he lurches, and went for it. Even if I can't win this punk, I can show him a thing or two. The dozens of hours spent wearing the stupid goggles and earplugs and panting like a dog must pay off eventually. Oh yeah, they should.

I reached the pool edge and looked back at my new acquired teacher. He'd been following me and shaking his head all the way. I ask him how did I do, or how good did I do, or something to that effect.

He told me that I'd looked like a panicky frog who'd just lost its virginity and got thrown in water with 17 crocodiles.

...................

Fuck this.

Tomorrow I go jogging.



______________________________________
Edit1: here's a video of one of my favorite drills. It's called Side Kick.



Also, check out this youtube channel ; it's simply a trove of educational videos.

Edit2: check out Michael Phelps doing a lap. ::sigh::

Son of the ho!

Monday, July 20, 2009

True Story

The traffic light was red. Bloody, bright, shiny, unmistakable-in-the-evening-darkness red. And there was more than one of them. There were four, actually. Two on the overhead cross beams, and two on each of the posts to the side of the road. I was on the extreme right of the 4-lanes motorway. First row. Like VIP seats in theatre, except that the only privilege you get here is to drive off first when the lights turn green. Across the road, a zebra-patterned pedestrian walkway extended to my left all the way up to the labor accommodations off the Dubai Dry Docks. The light then turned green. I rolled forward, doing hardly 10 KPH for the first few meters. A guy on a bicycle barged in front me and along the zebra line, he earned himself few angry honks. I saw him reach the other bank safely. When I turned my sight to the road ahead, I was stunned to see another fellow on a bicycle right in the middle of the fucking lane in front of me. Fortunately, the brake pads had only been replaced recently. I performed what a car mechanic ominously calls a ‘dead brake’. The car came to a halt less than a meter after the moment the brake was applied. However, within the range of this 100 CM the bicycle got nailed right in the ass. The guy lunged forward and hit the ground somewhere ahead. I wasn’t moving, but I still couldn’t see him. He fell somewhere in the vision field that is obscured by the hood of the car. Then I saw him lunging sideways to the left, and it occurred to me that he might have been attempting to end his life. Only to discover that he’s desperately trying to retrieve a plastic bag that had the logo of a Filipino restaurant in prints. The bag was flung from his little trunk when my bumper hit his rear wheel. He managed to get the bag eventually and straighten up on the sidewalk to inspect himself. A wiry Filipino guy, probably a crewmember on some ship moored in the port. He looked all right, although I could see a bruise on his elbow. I yelled at him asking if he was OK, and he gave me the thump up. By now the gang of drivers behind me in the lane had grown impatient and started flashing and honking. I paused a little and then drove forward.

It occurred to me later that my hitting him at a low speed had saved his scrawny ass from getting run over further into the road.

The National's Obsession with National Identity

From The National:
A TV cartoon character aimed at boosting the nation’s sense of identity was officially unveiled yesterday.

Hamdoon, a six-year-old Emirati boy who wears a khadoura that is slightly too big and a plain ghutra piled on top of his lollipop head, will make his TV debut next year in a 15 part series.

Will this help to boost a sense of national identity in the young? What other measures are needed to make children and adults aware of their culture, identity and heritage?

What's a better way to gauge the impact of cartoon series on kids and their sense of national identity than to survey readers in an English daily?

Also, it would seemingly help the National Identity a great deal if The National's journos learned some Arabic. 

What the hell is a 'Khadoura' anyway?

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Moon-walk, Cronkite, Iraqi women and other random stuff

Here are bits and peices of things I came across over this long weekend. Being the benevolent being I am, I thought I'd share with you.

No, by 'moon-walk' I wasn't referring to the dance, I meant the actual action of walking on the moon. We, or rather I, know very well the first man to set a foot on the celestial sphere of cheese, but what about the second?
“For the first time in more than 40 years I had no one to tell me what to do, no one sending me on a mission. Rather than feeling an exuberant sense of freedom, I felt isolated, alone and uncertain,” Buzz Aldren, Apollo-11 crew member.

***

Walter Cronkite is a courageous American anchorman who, among other things, challenged the allegations and the numbers the Pentagon tried to peddle about the Veitnam war. He died Yesterday at the age of 92. The US main stream media never misses a trick. They celebrate his death and his legacy with the same kind of hypocricy they employ to cover World news. Here's Glenn Greenwald of Salon.com:
Despite that, media stars will spend ample time flamboyantly commemorating Cronkite's death as though he reflects well on what they do (though probably not nearly as much time as they spent dwelling on the death of Tim Russert, whose sycophantic servitude to Beltway power and "accommodating head waiter"-like, mindless stenography did indeed represent quite accurately what today's media stars actually do). In fact, within Cronkite's most important moments one finds the essence of journalism that today's modern media stars not only fail to exhibit, but explicitly disclaim as their responsibility.
***

Iraqi women liberated? you bet!

Women’s rights activists in Iraq want what they describe as a mistake in the country’s new constitution to be rectified, according to an Iraqi academic who attended the conference.

Dr Fawzia al Attia, professor of sociology at Baghdad University who 30 years ago taught at Al Ain University, was referring to Article 41. It replaced what used to be known as the Personal Status Law, and had divided the country, she said.


It encouraged the Shiites into a “pleasure marriage”, an arrangement in which a couple decide on the terms of the marriage and its end date, said Dr al Attia.

Those who support it say that it legitimises sexual contact for those who may otherwise be unable to marry in the conventional sense, or who would otherwise engage in illicit sex. But opponents liken it to prostitution.

Dr al Attia said Article 41 also encouraged taking multiple wives and solidified the right of a male heir to inherit twice the share of his sister, based on what some say is an outdated Islamic law that obliged men to support female relatives. Progressives say the rationale for the law no longer applies in today’s
society.


***

Beautiful Arabians
Arabians are classified by their place of origin and the physical traits associated to these areas. Hejazis have beautiful black eyes, strong hooves and ankles; the Najdi have long necks, lean faces, small ears, broad buttocks and thighs. Yemeni horses have coarse, thick bodies, short necks, thin buttocks and thighs, and Syrian Arabians boast beautiful colours, wide eyes, bald foreheads, soft hooves and big jawbones.

***

And finally, here's a photo I've recieved from a buddy of mine, it's of a graffiti-infested toilet somewhere in Texas.


In case you can't see it, the writing in the middle says:

"Anyone can piss on the floor; Be a hero and shit on the ceiling"

It goes without saying that I've passed on the challenge.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

The Diving Bell and the Butterfly



I had never seen so many white coats in my little room. Nurses, orderlies, physical therapists, occupational therapists, phsychologists, neurologists, interns, and even the department head – the whole hospital had turned out for the event. When they first burst in, pushing the conveyance ahead of them, I thought it meant I was being ejected to make room for a new patient. I had already been at Berck a few weeks and was daily drawing nearer to the shores of awareness, but I still couldn't imagine any connection between a wheel chair and me.

When the theatre is so quiet that you can't so much as hear a whisper or feet scuffing on the carpet, then you know you are watching a brilliant movie. Written by none other than the protagonist of the story himself.

It's showing in the MOE. I highly recommend it.



P.S. it's available in full on youtube as well. If you're a cheap ass, that is.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Beware of this scam

There's a Petrol Station (gas station) next to the building where I work. It's quite a busy one, and for good reasons. It's the only source of fuel for quite a long stretch on Shiekh Zayed Road (one of Dubai's main highways.) And it has a convenience store. Although, nothing about being next to this station is convenient. (Except the proximity, perhaps.) In the basic design of most of the petrol stations here, the banks of fuel-filling hoses to the left are reserved to big vehicles; buses, trucks, tankers, bulldozers, bobcats, graders, construction excavators ..etc.. And because there's a trucks driving school nearby, an assortment of monstrous machines would invade our street to queue for fuel, blocking the entry for sedan cars in the process. And because Sandy from the office next door feels bitchy every morning until she fills up her tank and get her caffeine fix, we'd have to tolerate her relentless horn whenever her royal entry gets blocked. That could last up to 15 minutes. My hand vicariously starts aching when I picture in my mind how she keeps hers pressed on the horn. Brutal.

Back to the station, it's quite a useful amenity to have in your neighborhood. On many levels. I usually get my breakfast from the small bakery section. And would saunter down there every afternoon for a green tea and quick scan of the trashy magazines on the news-stand. In a way, they have quite interesting headlines, and I had figured them out eventually: men magazines offer the unequivocal secrets on how to make all women on planet earth fall for you, women magazines offer tips on how to break hearts, smash noses and churn stomachs. This is probably why I subliminally switched from caffeine to green tea over the years.

I usually can't stay for long though, the samosa smell is overpowering. But I get to spend 15-30 minutes collectively there everyday. Discreetly (and sometimes not so discreetly) watching people. There's also a pattern here. Lots of people I know would walk in. Either some pompous ass Dubai celebrity of some sort, an old friend, an estranged client or people who are just plain familiar. It's a busy place. And the only one on a linear length of 20 KM of a main artery. So I'm not usually surprised when I bump into acquaintances. They, on the other hand, are usually surprised. People are the least self-conscience when they walk into a convenience store inside a gas station. I'm not sure why. They're probably pre-occupied with what they need to buy, or with the grueling traffic on the journey home, or with the business meeting that had gone bad or turned out too good to be true.

So the other day I was walking back to the office, minding my own business, with a Styrofoam cup in hand. I paused to watch for approaching cars at the entry point to the station, because I'm aware that 95% of drivers do not slow down. And then I saw this beige-color Mazda 3 hustling by. A rental. The driver's window rolled down. The guy behind the steering wheel looked familiar. Who's he? I wondered. I couldn't recognize him instantly. Gears in my mind turned and pistons pumped. I still couldn't remember where or when or who. But one thing was for sure, HE had recognized me. And I could tell he wasn't so pleased about the coincidence. He kept driving. I kept my gaze at the car until I was level with his side mirror and was looking at him through it. I waved. He turned left and kept driving, past the fuel banks, past the small parking lot and out the exit.

He didn't stop.

Which sounds fishy, doesn't it? People are usually here for the fuel or the food, and he bailed out of both. There was one conclusion only, he avoided me. But why?

And then it hit me. Memory flashes tumbled down like pieces of domino. I had met this guy briefly two months ago. A sunny day, an exceptionally hot day in the middle of may. Around mid-afternoon. He tried to con me. I couldn't totally prove it then. But now I became quite sure.

So what happened in May?

I was walking down a street in Deira, 20 KM away from where I'd meet him later. I had just parked my car and was on the way to have lunch with a friend. Up came this guy, driving a black Mazda 3 -- rental, for damn sure-- and buzzed down his window. He asked for directions to the airport. I picked up the Italian accent right away. It was clear; a little too clear, perhaps. I told him how to get the airport. He kept asking questions, making sure. He seemed in a hurry. And almost distressed. I thought he was concerned about missing a flight or something. He seemed genuinely thankful that I had helped him, and enquired where I was from. I told him I'm from Syria. And I tell you, I've never met anyone before, either here or elsewhere, who had got nearly as excited for knowing that I was a Syrian. He pointed at me and rattled something in Italian to a guy next to him on the passenger seat. Like "look, a Syrian! These are our friends and allies! Can you believe this?"

He then told me he had a present for me. You heard that right, a present. He parked haphazardly at the side of the road, got out of his seat and told me that given the brotherly and long standing relationship between the Italian and the Syrian people, he'd give me a present. This may sound a little corny to you, and it sounds corny to me now that I read the words in prints. But this guy was incredibility persuasive. He acted the part impeccably. I've met my fair share of salesmen over the years. Credit cards salesmen would wander into our office and get totally spurned. Suppliers of construction materials would use every trick in the book to make their product the best ever, to no avail. So I knew right then and there that this guy was a salesman and that he was acting. Call me a cynic, give me any label you like, but no one throws presents at strangers for giving him/her directions (unless he's a prophet and on a mission to spread a new religion). My suspicions grew bigger when he picked up one of a few suits from a hanger's rail on the back seat and told me, in as few words as possible, that these are leftovers of a big fashion show. And they are worth thousands of dollars and so on and so forth. And he'd just give me one.

As a present.

Now, I'm a nice guy. But one of my favorite pastimes is to call people's bluffs. So I went ahead and asked him how much he wanted for a suit. Quite serious and business-like. He was momentarily taken aback, but then he backtracked and told me that money ain't an issue between us. He went back to stuttering in his heavily accented English, and to telling me that art was much more important than money. Or something to that effect. I asked him again, with the same tone and cadence, how much did he want for a suit. So he contemplated me for a while, looked me in the eyes and made a gesture lik he'd resigned himself to me being a guy who doesn't like handouts. He picked up a black box from the back seat and handed it over to me. It was an empty cardboard box of a mobile phone of an expensive model. He kept talking while I inspected the box. He said something about his daughter wanting this phone. That I could give his daughter the phone as a present in exchange for a suit.

His daughter is in Italy. So the present had to go through him.

If I had any doubts then they were completely vanquished. How likely it is for an Italian guy attending a fashion show to end up handing out surplus suits to people just because they gave him directions to the airport? And how likely it is for him to ask for a mobile phone for his daughter instead? Quite smoothly avoiding portraying the issue as 'money for a suit' transaction, but a 'cell phone versus suit' one?

I could have stayed there and eventually called him out on his little scam. But to be honest, I felt a little overwhelmed by this guy and was perspiring profusely. So I just dropped the box and the suit on the back seat and walked away. My abrupt action interrupted his incessant speech and he called after me, almost desperately. He said just come and take the damn suit. No phone, no money. But I wasn't buying any of that. That shit don't fly in DJ's zone, Mr. Corelenoe. All I heard afterwards were bangs of doors getting closed and wheels skidding and screeching on the blacktop as he angrily swerved into the traffic. Good riddance. I hoped he'd get to the airport ASAP. Although I doubted the airport was his destination. I didn't believe the fashion show angle either. I'm still not sure how this little con business could be feasible for two guys to undertake. There are resources involved. A rental car, time, and of course, the suits. I'm not an expert, but my brief inspection told me they aren't trashy. They certainly are counterfeit. But even those are somewhat pricey.

There's only one way this little venture could be profitable.

There must be plenty of gullible people out there in Dubai.

So please guys, spread the word and don't be one of them.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Dubai Roof Gardens

It was just another unremarkable stack of paper that had landed on my desk. A statutory circular on a Dubai Municipality letterhead. I usually don't pay much attention to those, because they are either a reiteration of something that have been said before but DM felt like saying again, or a more politically correct version of what have been said before, but with absolutely the same technical implications, or a re-branding of something that have been said before because nobody paid attention to (i.e. nobody gave stools about it.)

 But this one was a different story. Between the monotonous tone and repetitive expressions of a formal circular, there are keywords that are bound to attract your attention like the pull of 100 Million Watt magnet. One of these words is 'compulsory' or 'obligatory'. It tells you there's a serious business at hand. That no matter what you think of the content, you're going to read the missive eventually, and comply to it. Or else you'd get your submissions rejected and your applications turned down. Your clients will move their business interest somewhere else and then you'll lose your job and wander the streets and eventually die of hunger and dehydration. It's pure survival instinct to read a DM circular with obligatory content.

 And so I read it; and found out I had been wrong. It wasn't repackaging of something that had been said before. It wasn't just a dull statement meant to fill a calendar or an announcement board. It was actually very interesting. That I had almost wanted to shout for attention in the office and read it out loud. But I opted for a silent read instead. Because it was a DM circular after all, and 'interesting' is a relative term. My colleagues would be fast asleep before I turned the first page.


A green roof atop Chicago’s City hall. 


So here's the deal: from now on, all buildings in Dubai are required to have roof gardens. At least 30% of the roof area. The type of plantation and vegetation will have to be proposed by us (consultants) and agreed by DM. No buildings are exempt, except industrial buildings with tin roofs (i.e. sandwich panels roof.)  For irrigation, surplus water from the air-conditioning condensing units must be used. Irrigation network will have to be independent from the water supply network, and it should also be efficient and of the 'drip' type. Water percolating through the soil shall have to be collected and re-used. Recycled water could be used as a secondary source. (You could buy recycled water from DM by the truckload and keep in your reservoir. This wasn't mentioned in the circular, it's pure DJ's resourceful knowledge)

 Of course, special treatment will have to be given to soil containers in terms of roots resistance and waterproofing. I haven't done this before, so I'm not sure yet what those layers are composed of. It's a specialist job. But it's pretty much doable. Like swimming pools on rooftops. It remains to be seen how water recovery and irrigation systems will be inter-connected. 

 In return, DM is offering owners relatively good incentives. The current building code prohibits all structures on villas' roofs except stairwells. But now villa owners will be entitled to a Majlis (hall) of 25 % of the roof area if they comply with the above. As for multi-story buildings, the incentives are really disappointing; we're already entitled for 50% of roof area for Gyms and other facilities for building residents. What DM is offering us in return for cultivating 30% of a roof area (in a multi-story building) is a permission to add what equals to 25% of the cultivated area to the roof services. In other words, we'll be able to build 57.5% instead of 50% of roof area.

 But let's not get too worked up about numbers and rations. I like the idea. I'm bought on it without the incentives. It's great. The benefits are enormous; thermal insulation, greener environment, more character and human touch to city sky-line and to otherwise barren and desolate roofs.... and an opportunity for me to take up gardening as a hobby and to meet and get to know all the house-wives in my building…etc…

 There is one thing, though; the circular is only strictly applicable in case of new buildings. As far as existing buildings are concerned (i.e. majority of Dubai’s urban development), the circular isn’t obligatory.

 Can't wait to roll on the grass!



  P.S. Image via this blog. Check it out. It has a great collection of roof garden photos and general info.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Road Map

The clouds of dust that had engulfed the Middle East made me feel grumpy and sullen all throughout the past week. I don't know of any weather condition that I despise more than dust or sand storms. Tough luck since I live at the fringes of a great desert. Although, ironically, temprature is usually cooler and humidity is substantially lower, never mind the low visibility or my throat tendency to get sore....

Anyway, now that the dust had settled, I think some revelations and hard self-reflections are forthcoming today.

Brace yourself, folks.

I recieved this comment couple of days ago from a new visitor to my blog (welcome, Al Ain Rose)

Thank Allah not all men have such animal mentality.
Well, you are kind of a creative person, but why don't you show people your creativity in some things other than the orgasmic stuff? ....I mean .. I've read (most) of your posts, and I hardly found some posts that don't contain some vulgar words or not related to sex or women one way or another. Come on! It's easy to make a clear point and your ideas come cross without relying on the "Oh! Ehh! Ah!!!" kind of illustrations; I mean, it's good to have a sense of decency a bit more when making a point. Plus, the whole idea of this post was awfully consumed, an old one ya3ni.

No offence...T'was just a thought!
Peace!

I do not wish to respond to the above harsh critique of this blog. Nor do I intend to make my readers do the zone-defense for me. I'm siezing this opportuinity to turn the keyboard to you, my reader, to tell me what you think of this blog; where it's been, where it's going and where it should be going.

Do you, for example, agree with the above: that I'm exuding animal mentality through my writing?
Or maybe the language is too vulgar to your taste?
What kind of posts do you enjoy more (or suffer from less); the personal or the general commentary type?
What area do you think this blog could cover more? art? politics? public decency (or the lack thereof)?...etc...
Would you, for instance, like to hear my analysis of the psychology of people who seek art produced by people on death row? (yeah, I did contemplate the question once)
Would you like to hear what I think of people who put other people on the death row and then sell their art to the public?
Or would you like to read about my sizzling hot sexual encounters?
Seriously, would you like to hear more or less politics?
Do you think I should stop writing (and posting) fiction? should I generally post more or less often?

Do I really come across as violent and misogynistic?
Do you think I'm a coward for wanting to write more about politics but not doing so eventually for the fear of divine retribution?
Don't you think it's hypocritical of me to experience things, good and bad, on daily basis that I'd like to post about but eventually choose not to, again, for the fear of extraterrestrial wrath?
Do you think self-censorship is useful?
Do you want to hear about my exercise routines?

I'm profoundly interested in opinions. I only request that there be no praise or ridicule.

And of course, Al Ain Rose's comment shall be treated within the context of where he/she comes from. I value the few Emarati readers of this blog. I meant no disrespect by posting his/her comment. So please refrain from attacking his/her point of view. Hey, it might be true after all!

That's all for now


Phew... I managed a post without a cuss word. Isn't that f**king awesome?!

P.S. excuse the font irregularities. Blogger is PMSing today.

Edit: forgot to mention that the blog of yours truly, despite (if not because) of the vulgar content, had made it to the creme of the crop, a list prepared by Mr. Alexander McNabb for Dubai 92 FM radio. A big thank you to Alex and Cat Boy for the mention.

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

"The Greek Confrontation"

A short story by Dubai Jazz

_____________________________________________________


Abu Diaz blended easily in the crowd. Perhaps his Spanish looks – the reason behind the alias -- helped him appear innocuous and inconspicuous. It’s like he’s there, but he’s not there. He could be anywhere from Iberia to Persia and no eyebrow will rise. Clinking of glasses and loud laughter rose from the bar as he crawled ahead with no drink in hand. That should not be a problem. If you have a table booked, you don’t mingle with the cheaper section of the patrons to order from the bar. He kept glancing to his left, eyes on his prey, but pretending to marvel at a huge unlit chandelier suspended from a roof truss. The chandelier was turning ever so slowly around its ceiling hook. Beneath the chandelier was a roofless gazebo, probably made of plastic and varnished over a quasi-wooden look. With public park-style stone benches underneath it. Colored beams of light swam across the otherwise dimly lit hall and got reflected and refracted by the crystal balls of the magnificent chandelier. Giving an atmosphere of a starry night to the couples lounging on the benches. Strange contraption, Abu Diaz thought, but not entirely odd for a city like Athens. A quick glance to his right revealed an exit sign behind and above a partition that led to the men’s room. He would have preferred a secured escape route, but a pro has to improvise and compromise sometimes. When he returned his gaze to his prey, he saw him standing near the access to the central gazebo. Which was exactly what this focal point was meant to achieve; draw attention of people and blunt their sense of time by the successive barrage of colors and lights. So they end up getting drunk quickly and drinking more even quicker, before passing out on the stone slabs.

 The man in the flannel shirt and dark pants stood in his place and kept his gaze on the chandelier. Every once in a while he’d shift his weight from a leg to another and look around. Smiling and nodding at the few people standing near him. A mixed expression of approval and enquiry on his face. Fucked up homo-sapiens, Abu Diaz thought, they could be looking at the most stunning masterpiece of the world but they still needed a third party confirmation.

 The crowd had eased a little at the end of the human stream and Abu Diaz moved about more casually now, careful not to intercept the view of his prey. He knew he was dealing with a pro too, albeit a mediocre one; a mid level courier who is useless at combat but good at disguise and incognito travel. Good as long as he’s undercover, anyway. Abu Diaz didn’t know how the cover was blown. He didn’t care. All he knew about his subject was delivered to him in the morning newspaper. It was a standard daily publication that came through a legitimate annual subscription and was dropped at his doorstep at daybreak everyday. Exactly identical to the tens of thousands of copies delivered all over the city. Except that his paper sometimes came with few variations, and he would usually look for telltales or a ‘message alert’ of pre-determined nature, splotches of ink in a certain pattern over the obituary column. Or tiny tears on the Sports page, like the commencement of shredding work that went bad and incomplete. He got the message alert that morning, and he moved to compile and collect his little gems. His handlers realized long time ago that phone lines could be tapped. And that mail is liable to interception and inspection. But who cared about a newspaper anyway? Beyond a casual check to make sure it had no nefarious content apart from the journalistic rants --like an envelop tucked neatly between the pages, or worse, a handgun—a newspaper raised no red flags at all. And so Abu Diaz sat at his kitchen table, carefully putting aside the pages he’d need. And then he got to work on removing single lines from several other pre-determined places. Lines and words that didn’t make any sense if you read the entire articles or columns to which they belonged. But as far as he was concerned, they only needed to make sense when he put them together. This is one of those cases where you need to take things out of context, he’d thought. He didn’t care how the assortment of words got there, either. Or how were they embedded seamlessly on the paper. Although he suspected super-thin paper, with microscopic drops of glue, were used.

 And now as he studied his prey more closely, he recalled the perfunctory description of body type, skin color, and basic facial features, along with the rest of the instructions. A mug shot of the man was also supplied in black and white. Grainy, but useful. It was taped next to a note about ‘safe driver of the month’ award. How ironic, Abu Diaz thought, as he moved further into the hall toward clusters of tables in an area that was brighter and significantly less crowded. He waved a waiter away with a smile, signaling that he didn’t wish to be seated. That he was merely looking around.

 He had his back to the gazebo now. The music got suddenly more upbeat and few drunken voices screamed in approval. He seized the chance to swivel on his heels and pretend to be looking toward where the voices had come from. By doing so he’d seen that his prey was moving slowly toward the gazebo. Casually sipping a fizzy liquid from his carafe. He didn’t seem to be in a hurry. Abu Diaz moved on in a parallel line, like two guys progressing slowly down church isles separated by twenty-feet long median pews. Abu Diaz didn’t know if such an ecclesiastical arrangement ever exited, but for the second time that day, he found the irony amusing: a pseudo safe driver approaches his death on the altar of global espionage.

 As if he was being instructed by a higher calling, the prey walked up the three steps to the elevated octagonal space of the gazebo and stopped below the avalanche of flaring lights. He then looked under and behind his back to see about getting a seat. Each side of the polygon was lined with a bench, and the prey picked the one nearest to him and moved toward it. All his movements were being read by Abu Diaz, who didn’t waste anytime and preserved his casual look, while he kept on walking the winding path around the Gazebo to the part of the hall where he’d begun. Perfect, he thought; he would be totally concealed within the crowd again, and that area was darker anyway. 

While he continued his counter clock-wise movement around the prey, he noticed that the clusters of people off the hall entrance had gotten thicker than they were the first time around. He was beginning to get concerned; crowds are good for confusion and disruption as long as they don’t inhibit your free movement. He wasn’t worried about pickpocketing though; he’d lived his childhood in cramped refugee camps in Jordan and his youth in Beirut where he had gotten his training. Not that there was a shortage of pickpockets anywhere. And his modus operandi for now didn’t include anything fancy. No capturing the man alive. No induction of suggestive drugs and long hours of debriefing in a safe house. No attempts at extracting information about future operations and command structure of the enemy. Nothing about picking up the pieces of a larger scheme in the espionage business. There is simply no time or energy for that kind of thing now.

 The vicious ghost war between the extended intelligence arm of the occupation power on one hand, and Abu Diaz and his comrades on the other, had lost all recognition of the protocols of the intelligence world; and that usually happens when your peers in the enemy camp start targeting you and become targets of yours themselves as a result. The war was instigated when the enemy sought to kill all the political leaders of the liberation movements in diaspora. Their own Casus Belli being that all those high-ranking officials were complicit in terrorist attacks on the occupying power. So the comrades had to retaliate. And in short, Abu Diaz was simply required to ‘take out’ his opponent and move on to wait for the next doctored newspaper with instructions.

 The brief that came along with the instructions to Abu Diaz gave him liberty to achieve that goal. Apart from the description and the mug shot, it only told him where the subject was staying; a highly secured hotel in downtown Athens. Abu Diaz knew the hotel was swarming with security and the exposure was high. So he set himself up for a stakeout in one of the coffee shops across the road from the hotel gate and waited. He knew sooner or later the subject would appear. Athen’s nightlife is irresistible.

 He wasn’t disappointed.

 But now Abu Diaz needed to concentrate on the job at hand. He finally moved across the clots of human bodies and was able to connect with his prey again. Abu Diaz was mildly pleased. The man was sitting on a stone bench and leaning his head back on one of the column supporting the gazebo. His eyes still fixated on the crystal chandelier, taking leisurely sips from his drink every once in a while. Abu Diaz thought that the man was infatuated with the chandelier a little too much. Although the concept was novel and spectacular, at one point you are going to have to take your eyes off of it.

 But he didn’t want his prey to move his eyes or change his posture. He liked the head resting on the column and the neck exposed the way they were. As he stood behind the guy, Abu Diaz leaned his own head back on the column from the other side. What an awkward position, he thought. The elevated floor of the gazebo put their heads on the same level, and if it weren’t for the separating column, they would have looked like a twin born with their heads attached.

 The air was chocking with smoke and his eyes got watery as he continued to scan random faces and give special attention to the girls. Not tonight, baby. Abu Diaz then made up his mind about his weapon of choice for the evening. He took out a thin –yet strong – power cord from his back pocket and threw it loose behind his back. It was 2 feet long and it almost touched the ground, coated with black polymer and of a single copper core. He slid his back down a notch on the column in one casual movement, and then he bent his knees and brought his feet forward like he was about to cross his legs but changed his mind and kept them spaced at comfortable distance. The resultant triangular space between his legs, the floor and the column gave him a nice secure area to prep his tool for the catch. He then began threading the malleable copper and pulling it through his fingers to form a nice half-circle in the middle of the cable. A ligature. Once that was complete, all he needed was to wait for the right moment, some sort of an outward diversion, and then make his move. He believed he could come out fine. He could slip the cable through the column at a high point and then keep a handgrip on both ends of it, camouflaging this maneuver by stretching his hand up in yoga-style routine. Once that was accomplished, he’d wait for the diversion, slip the cable in one daft movement, down across the face of the prey all the way to his neck, and then pull it in one forceful forward and downward drive. End of the story. The man will certainly gag and struggle and might draw some attention, but it will be too late; by the time Abu Diaz pulled out and away from the circle of suspicion his victim would have a crushed thyroid cartilage and failing carotids.

 All he wanted to do now was to muster all his sensory powers and wait for the moment of distraction and diversion and all the actions that will follow.

 But when the distraction came, it wasn’t at all what he’d expected.

 First, the bottles on the shelves behind the bartender vibrated and clicked together and then they started to topple and fall off with bangs and bursts of liquids on the floor. Second, he felt the column rubbing against his back. And then there was the unmistakable and ominous hum hum hum hum reverberating sound ripping through the entire structure of the building.

 Then came the screams. And in a moment everything turned into chaos.

 Abu Diaz instantly realized that human confusion was even a greater risk than the malice of nature. An earthquake and its perils is one thing. A massive herd of human beings in a state of primal panic is something else entirely. He realized he needed to shield himself from the stampede he was sure will ensue. He also remembered from one of his field training on emergencies that the greatest danger in an earthquake inside a building is not getting crushed by the collapsing building structure; it is getting hit by the falling debris and accessories; false ceiling and partitions, ceiling mounted fixtures and installations, faultily fitted glass panels, shattered windows and advert boards, chandeliers…etc..

 Chandeliers…

 Without hesitation, he ducked down, spun on his feet and aimed to throw himself under the stone bench. He slid his body between the cross bars of a peripheral guardrail on the octagon and ended up on his stomach with his arms folded to his side and his hands clasped on the back of his head and neck. Standard military bomb-survival posture. Works with equal efficiency for surviving earthquakes inside buildings. It took Abu Diaz a second to make a mental inventory of what had happened in the last couple of seconds. And then he settled to wait and observe. His body was tightly pressed on the cold tiles. His chin and nose lined up and firmly planted on the floor in a painful posture. He could feel the vibrations of the ongoing tremor and its impact on the building; he could feel, through his thin T shirt and denim pants, all the shattering noise made by the falling debris. And unlike his surroundings, he was calm and prepared. He has the liberty of aborting mission at any given moment. He wasn’t suicidal. He could always wait for the next paper delivery.

 He heard few minor explosive sounds as crystal balls hit the ground after departing the chandelier. Then he heard a massive thud. He dared a glance and realize that his prey was hit with a ball on his head and was bleeding profusely. A free-falling piece of glass of that size is a killer projectile. But Abu Diaz soon realized that his prey was almost unconscious and probably in too much pain to move out of the shooting range he was within. Piece of glass kept falling on and around him. If he doesn’t move away he was going to be pounded into a human paste. Abu Diaz hesitated for a second. For the first time that day he wasn’t sure what to do. But then he sprang into action.

 He was of an average size, but with a fit body and powerful muscles and a stamina of a horse. He wouldn’t be where he is right now if he hadn’t weathered the most physically demanding situations. He raised his feet and hooked his left calf on the side of the stone slab and lunged forward and grabbed his prey from the collar of his shirt. Debris was raining upon him like a relentless hail. But he was ready. He crawled back on one elbow and used the leverage of his calf to pull himself backward. His prey was too weak and too drunk to struggle or protest.

 It was over in less then a minute. There were still sporadic shouts of panic here and there. But the major action was over. Abu Diaz pushed himself away from the wounded guy and stood up to assess the damage. As he’d expected, the structure of the hall weathered the shake but many bodies were lying around as a result of being trampled over by the crowd or getting hit by falling objects. He wiped dust off his forehead and sat down on the bench. He sat there for an awfully long time. Just staring into a distant space. After about twenty minutes, he heard groans of pain from below. He looked down and found his prey twitching and squirming in his vomit. He looked back up and stared forward into space once again. He sat there for probably a twenty minutes more before he heard the guy from below coughing and choking and breathing hard. He looked down again. Got his butt off the bench, took his T shirt off and turned around and squatted down. He tore it into two pieces, wiped blood and vomit off the mouth of the injured guy with one, and made a primitive bandage for the head gash with the other. Then he moved him around and got him on his side in as close approximation of a fetal position as possible, to keep his airways clear and unobstructed. He sat back again on the bench and stared into space for some more. In few more minutes he heard authoritarian voices coming from the hallways outside.

 Paramedics.

 He stood and set off walking toward the fire escape exit he’d seen earlier. Time to split. But just before he departed, a thought occurred to him. He turned around; saw a firefighter and a paramedic proceeding gingerly through the room. Arousing people and checking their injuries.

 “Hey!” He yelled at them, a little too loud, he thought.

 They were startled for a moment. But then they looked at him in unison.

 “There’s a guy under the stone bench over there with a head injury. He might be critical, better check him out.”

 He then turned and walked out and away. 

_____________________________________________________

Disclaimer: All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Sunday, July 05, 2009

Shisha Ban? or Humdrum Ramblings?

I was casually listening to one of the English radio stations yesterday as I drove to grab an argileh (shisha) at the B café. There was a female presenter talking about health and stuff, and somehow the subject of smoking was brought up. Her guest was a guy who was talking about a Ministry of Health initiative (but I doubt he works for them), he said that there’s a massive campaign for smoke cessation in the gulf that included posters with photos that will elicit awareness in the prefrontal cortex of a smoker. He also said that invitations  were sent out to graphic designers with a brief to come up with the most horrific and graphic scenes that will be printed on cigarette packs all across the gulf. The presenter then asked him about shisha, and I’d have plugged my ears if I weren’t clutching the wheels with both hands. He went on how horrible shisha is for health and how a head/stone (rass or hagar, depends where you come from) is equivalent to 20-40 cigarettes. He said that the ministry is adamant on banning hooka altogether in the future, especially that its smokers aren’t aware of the perils that await them. The presenter agreed with him that the situation is frightening. You can tell where the rest of the conversation was going……

Yes, the situation is frightening; it’s also frightening with all those fast-food joints that are meant to sustain the calorie intake of your fat ass. It’s also frightening to go to the beach in the searing sun and get a sunstroke. It’s also frightening when the UAE is experiencing an endemic in diabetes and other similar illnesses induced by high cholesterol and sedentary life style. You want frightening? Go and watch the patrons of bars and clubs getting out at 3 AM Saturday morning with their wobbling heads and bleary eyes. Think of the platoons of drunk drivers descending upon the city at the aforesaid hour. Alcoholism, frightening not? Have you been to any restaurant in Mina Bazar area? Have you seen how the food is being prepared? And while you’re in Bur Dubai, would you please make a list of all possible ways of contracting STDs?

It’s hypocritical to ask for the shisha to be banned when you’re not a smoker. Unlike cigarette smoke, this is a practice restricted to certain areas approved and inspected by the municipality. Even the air we breath inside the joints isn’t shared with the general population. It’s impossible to be a second hand shisha smoker unless you make the conscious decision of getting in that air-tight space. So what do you want to ban shisha for? You’re worried about young adults getting addicted, maybe you could demand a letter with a guardian consent, or you could raise the minimum age to 25? How about you put up posters of charred lungs and rotten airways in all the shisha joints? That should be enough deterrence, should it not? I may as will help with the graphic design, heck, after seeing photos from Abu Ghuraib and Gaza, nothing really moves a human being any more. Or if we wanna be realistic, let’s ban fast food and cola and alcohol and jugging on dusty days. Because in the socialist country we live in, my public-provided health insurance is paid by your tax money. And that entitles you to interfere.  Because, you know, grown-up people aren’t ever capable of making conscious and responsible decisions. I’m awaiting your graphic designs to make up my mind.

Heck, I should probably quit smoking, I could just inhale the dust instead.




Dust storm , Shisha smoke , Clean air on Shiekh Zayed road , 05/7/09.

Thursday, July 02, 2009

Tennis Babes

When I think of all the Tennis matches that I've ever watched in my life, I come to a startling conclusion; most of them were of women singles. Probably doubles as well, maybe few threesomes....(WTF?... sorry guys, got carried away there a little....) Anyway, the point is that I don't ever recall watching a full men/singles match. I don't know why, but now that I think about it, the reasons become quite clear.

You see, I'm not alone in appreciating the figures and looks of the Tennis babes. What's not to like? fit bodies, mini-skirts, physical exertion, total immersion in the game (don't you love how the pretty ones from lower seeds think they're taken seriously by the crowd, eh?!). The instant expressions of hope and disappointment. The constant fiddling with the racket strings. And the orgasmic 'Eh' (or 'Ah' or 'Oh', depends on what tickles your fancy) groan every time a difficult shot is served. Clothes clinging to perspiring bodies and breasts struggling to burst out of the double-sport bra. You tell me, what's not to like?

So it doesn't come as a surprise that the organizers of Wimbledon have put the babes from lower seeds in the Centre Court while moving the allegedly less attractive ones, despite their higher seeds, to the side courts.

Typical reactions to this strategy could be summed up in two categories:

1- So what? Serena Williams is also hot! other girls have got nothing on her!
In this case, as long as 'hot' is still your metric, you can't really denounce the organizers for what they've done.

2- This is sexism and objectification of women bodies! Tennis should be about the game and not the looks!
I profoundly appreciate this point. And totally agree with the necessity of neutralizing looks when it comes to sports. But is that really possible? Do you really think that whoever sponsored Anna Kournikova or Martina Hingis had not taken their looks into account? what about advertisement? media attention? fans support?

Of course, I'm not suggesting that the game is totally dependant on the looks. But you'd be fooling yourself if you think that anything less than half the men who watch women tennis matches aren't there to ogle at the pretty young ladies. Competition here takes a totally different tone.