We Vehemently Need Y'all Lame Opinions

You know, I hate to be picking up on Dubai Municipality (DM). And I really feel sorry for them sometimes. Especially the Building Department. They are caught between the hammer and the anvil; strict codes and bylaws to adhere to, and the most malicious and untrustworthy specimen of human beings (aka contractors and consultants).

The building Department, as I’ve told you many times earlier, had recently introduced a system by which we can submit all our drawings electronically. I’ve been using this system and gaining an intimate knowledge of it. And I have to say the effort they’ve put into it, despite all the flaws and oversights, is quite commendable.

But the game is still on between the DM and us, consultants and contractors (C&C). The cat and mice dance is a vicious and wild. It would appear to the uninitiated that DM and the C&C gangs should be working together toward a common goal. And I’d really love it if the paradigm were something like that; a Steven Covey ‘win-win’ like situation. But it isn’t. For a simple reason; the C&C are always assumed to be exploitive to the extremes of what the law will allow them (or the owners they represent.) And the DM Engineers are paranoid since they know this and don’t want to screw-up. So they err on the side of caution, by that I mean that make the C&C gangs do all the grunt (donkeys) work, but nonetheless they’d eventually lay all the liabilities on them. It’s a wild goose chase, and so far the two parties haven’t come to a set of terms that will guarantee both some peace of mind.

DM, being a part of the larger E-Government picture, had posted a link to a questionnaire on their website. They initially requested us to fill out the online form. I checked it when it first appeared on Sunday. It’s a seventy-five lines form with more than three variables to fill and couple of choices to select in each line. A comprehensive list of all the online services and transactions offered by the E-Government network. But it’s a bugger to fill out. It’s really long and boring and I’m short on time (the irony of me blogging about this notwithstanding) since the boss is leaving on vacation soon..etc...

So I ignored the form. I pretended it’s not there. And I wished DM the best of luck.

However, today when I opened their website after lunch to check on some projects, they had this Urgent Announcement on their news-ticker:

The announcement says: your account (system) will be automatically frozen if you don’t fill out the questionnaire within 24 hours.

I love it. The municipality wants to know my honest opinion (they requested integrity in filling out the answers) and they want to know it so badly they’re forcing my/us to give it to them. What's with the father who threatens to disown his son because he's afraid the boy is being alienated. If this is not the ultimate version of parental care I don’t know what is.

Under age

O girl, have you not read the sign?
It says no shisha for under 20
That’s the statutory line
So as I please, I get to look
Pretending to read my book,
While I fix my eyes
on those bare-legs of yours,
My dirty mind surmise
that you’re past the legal age
“what for”? you silently ask in surprise
, as I flip to the next page

No girl,
you don’t get to call me a pedo
read that sign again, lame:
the very smoke you’re inhaling
tells me you’re in for the game

I like the kid in you, though
The full-blown assets,
wouldn’t hurt too
A side profile that makes me keen,
whenever you stand and bend down
to stare at the touch-screen machine
My paper-back can’t stand a chance
of competing with your figure
so I pause to take a glance,
before moving my stare away, at leisure

Seriously though, how old are you?
I don’t want no complications, you know?
Just keep your options open,
and your shorts high
And we shall see what the future-
has in store, for you and I .

"we may never meet again on that bumpy road to love"

Thursday, 8:15 AM:

I was peering ahead through the windshield. My eyes squinting behind sunglasses, looking at the 4x4 just couple of meters ahead of me. We were at a T junction.

Seconds earlier, the road ahead was presumably clear and I was crawling forwarded while checking out the oncoming traffic on my left.

Minutes earlier I was elated because I was making good progress on my commuting. I was about to break my record of 22 minutes. I wasn't racing, nor was I driving above speed limit, nor was I weaving in and out of lanes like a maniac (OK, maybe a little); I was just taking advantage of the reduced traffic on Al Wasl road, now that the schools are closed for the summer break and people are leaving for vacations..etc...

But none of that mattered now. It took several seconds for both me and the driver of the black 4x4 to come to terms with the reality at hand. There was this really tiny indistinguishable squeaking sound as steel ground on steel. I was probably rolling at 10 meters per hour, but that didn't matter as well, because my front bumper caught the other guy in the ass cheek; the curvy corner of his rear fender, that is.


Now it seemed as if each one of us was waiting for the other to emerge from his car. He did that first, I put the gear on R and reversed a little, cautious not to hit the douche behind me who'd already started honking. Now the damage to the 4x4 was clear, an ugly dent on the rear end.


"let's go there...." I said, pointing to vacant stretch of parking up ahead.


I stayed in the car. The common practice is for the guy who had been wronged to call the police. I wasn't in a mood to make an exception out of that rule. The guy seemed to be talking on his hands-free earpiece, I assumed, correctly, that he'd been giving the police dispatcher our whereabouts. (how smart of me, oh yeah).


As it may be obvious to you if you had the misfortune of engaging in accident on Dubai roads, now comes the "lull time". The waiting for the police to arrive at the scene. In the morning rush hour, as it is well-known too, it takes at least one hour for the blinking strobes to show up. Not that anyone blames them, though, it's a colossal task they have to undertake. Responding to all traffic mishaps out there in this hot and humid day. Some of which might be serious and require immediate attention, some of which are low-grade priority like ours.


Up until this moment I was feeling irritated. Not for any particular reason; accidents do happen, and I'm aware of that. But I was probably angry at the other guy for not moving when he had the chance and the road was clear.


He got out of his car for the second time and then; as she was earlier concealed by the tint on the rear glass of the car, a fat lady in a Sari attire emerged from the passenger seat and walked ahead, waving and smiling to the guy as she moved to where she's more likely to get a cab.


It's then that I realized how the guy's morning was messed up pretty badly; his carpooling colleague is now half-stranded. He'll be late for work, I'll be late for work. Oh well...

"Sorry your morning is ruined" I said.
"It's OK, it's part of life. I'm Pramod"
"I'm DJ", we shook hands.

It turned out Pramod worked not very far from me. Well, at least it's much easier to be involved in an accident with a nice guy than with a jerk. I once had a guy accusing me of being asleep (he ended up with the pink slip.) Another charged out of his car and captured 20 photos from all angles; like a thorough FBI agent. Only to be spurned by the police who usually trust their own eyes better. Driving seems to bring out the most dormant of behaviors in man, and they usually culminate with accidents.

After a little more chat and some more phone calls, we stood silent again. I could wait in the Air-Conditioned confines of the car, but felt the right thing to do was to show solidarity to my new comrade. Who wanted to be able to wave to the police car when it approaches. So we stood in the heat, sweating and squinting.

He was on the phone with the police again, this time they were calling. They managed to show up earlier than expected, but they couldn't locate the exact spot because it's tricky and inconspicuous. I gestured to him and he handed me the phone; communicating in the first language is always easier.

"Where exactly are you?" asked the Sergeant.
"Well, we're next to the open dirt yard, you know the one next to the mall" I said.
"What's your location in reference to the bridge? are you on the bridge?"
"No, we're below it"

::Pause::


"Are you serious?" he asked again.
"Yes, of course. there's a U turn under the bridge. We're there on the shoulder"
"Can you see the mall?"
"Yes"
"I can see the mall too, but I can't see the bridge. Let me take a round"

Thirty seconds later, the Sargent descended from his huge vehicle and followed the manual to the word: collecting both registration cards and DLs. Asking question, inspecting the damage...etc... Efficient and professional. We were then told to wait in our respective cars while he wrote his report (i.e. filled the form). Couple of minutes later we were asked to give our phone numbers and age. Then the jury pronounced me guilty...errr.... I mean I was served the pink slip. (i.e. I was at fault) While Pramod's happiness couldn't be contained with his green, vindicating paper. We all shook hands again and went away on our business.

The first thing I did when I got to the office was to swing by the guy who handles car affairs. You know insurances and registrations and such. The bastard actually smiled when he saw the pink slip. Even though he's usually as dry and obnoxious as a parking inspector. I tried to decipher this interesting observation: maybe losers like him eventually think of the pink slip as a proof that people around them aren't perfect.." oh and they make mistakes; get into accidents and trouble. And they come to me to fix it for them! you see how important I am?!"

Sunday, 3:00 PM.

Since I drive a company-provided automobile, I'm required to report the slightest of glitches to our own workshop. So I headed there today after my lunch break. I handed the paper to the operation guy and he instantly whistled for one of his foremen to accompany me to where the car is. Insurance policies are becoming more and more strict, it seems. And they demand an immediate action to assess the resultant damage after an accident. The foreman followed me (although I doubt he has a twitter account, go figure) after he made sure his camera was charged. Thanks to the RTA and their recently-introduced paid parking zones at the front, we now park all over the dirt pastures at the back. I stood next to the foreman after I pointed to him where the damage is. He aimed his camera to shoot and then cursed in Hindi (yes, I know them). He then said "memory full" to my raised eyebrow. He started scrolling down the menu to see how he could delete some earlier photos to relieve the jam. I was sweltering. Today was unimaginably hot.... After excruciating few minutes, he'd eventually managed to capture the evidence and do away with it.

....

And that, ladies and gentlemen, was all the result of bad reflexes, over-confidence and incorrect judgement. None of this would have happened if I paid a little extra attention in that split-second time. I'm grateful though, that the manifestation of this error was minor and limited. You know, it's easy to attribute accidents to fate and inevitability. But I think it's a dangerous road. It's probably a defensive mechanism too. After all one would love to relax and believe that the mistake or incident wasn't entirely his; that there's nothing substantially wrong with his/her driving. And that is something I've actually done after all the minor accidents I've been involved in in the past; not reflecting upon what had really happened or to see if there's a room for improvement. Not adjusting my auto-pilot instinct to a more vigilant level.

That is something I intend to do now.

___________________________
P.S. I consider myself a relatively a safe driver. I've been involved in five accidents in the last five years. All minor. One of which wasn't my fault, and in two others the second party was a reinforced concrete column.

P.P.S. Here's an long overdue "Thank You" to all the people, anonymous or otherwise, who either sent me emails, twitter DMs, or dropped comments here recently. You guys make it all worthwhile.

Soccer Punch

I had stated before that watching a soccer match in a crowded Arab cafe is a very interesting experience. Well, let me qualify that statement; it's interesting as long as Egype is in the lead. Or at least tied or falling behind by not more than one goal (i.e. still qualifying for the next round). But Yesterday it just wasn't meant to be. The Americans deployed their Marines, Seals and Delta tops all over the play field and they pounded the Egyptians very heavily. Final score 3-0. Shame. Every time we think there's an Arab team that might do something impressive on an international arena, we get bitterly disappointed. Just what the fuck was wrong with these guys? they were lost, distracted, tired, unmotivated...etc... After a historical win over Italy, you'd think they'd do something more sensible. They simply rose to their peak performance riding an escalator, but then went down free-falling in the lift shaft.

Something was wrong. Terribly wrong.

So I'd heard that five Egyptian players have been robbed. Their rooms have been broken in to while they were away at a match and a sum of 2400 dollars were stolen from them. A scenario very plausible given the security concerns in South Africa. A recent survey found that one in four South African men admitted to committing rape at one point or the other in his life. It's considered a national sport. Something the masculine power of a man wouldn't be complete without..... so I wouldn't put it past South Africa for this kind of thing to happen.

Now some South Africans might be lawbreakers. But they certainly are not dumb. If you are given the choice, would you break in to the sleeping quarters of the Egyptian team, when the Italians and the Americans (presumably) are just next door? I wouldn't think so. Besides, South Africa hosted many teams during the Indian Cricket Professional League, the 20-20 Tournament* and the Confederation Cup. To my knowledge none of the teams participating in these championships have had any trouble. So why would the Egyptians be picked up on?

There's another twist to this story.

JOHANNESBURG — In news that, if true, will bring relief to World Cup organizers and embarrassment to the Egyptian soccer team, three South African newspapers reported Sunday that Egypt’s players apparently did not lose their money to robbers but to prostitutes after an historic 1-0 victory over Italy at the Confederations Cup. The accusations were quickly denied by the head of the Egyptian soccer federation. “I think that they said that to divert attention from the main issue, which is security, by creating a scandal for the Egyptian team,” Samir Zahir, the chairman of the Egyptian federation, told The Sunday Independent newspaper. Security has been the hot-button top in the run-up to the 2010 World Cup. The South African police said Friday that Egypt had reported that five team members had their wallets lifted. The amount reportedly was $2,400. The burglary was said to have been discovered after the Egyptian players returned to their hotel rooms following Thursday’s victory over Italy.

Usually, I wouldn't believe such allegations and would file it under the BS category. For one thing; how were the South African press able to ascertain that the Egyptian team members went out with hookers? Do they have connections within the local prostitutes community? imagine one of the girls being debriefed by a reporter in a deserted parking lot: "yes sugar, we were turning tricks the other day when we had two fit Arab guys approach us, they told us they've defeated Italy and we told them to prove it...*giggles*....to be honest, their performance was good....*giggles*".

But to be honest with you, and after what I've seen of the Egyptian team Yesterday, I think the above story is quite believable. Except that it wasn't only five players ..... the entire team, along with coach Shehatah, the physician, the guy who fetches the water and the chairman of the football federation...etc..

They've all slept with syphilis infected hookers right before the match with the US.

There is no other way to explain last night's farce.




Edit -1-: the best search referral I got on this post so far: "hookers teach egyptian players how to score" :)



Edit -2-: another hopeful search referral: "egypt team hookers video"


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*I intentionally mangled the names of the cricket tournaments, sue me!

Inja kojast

Look, I'm not taking sides here, nor I'm trying to make a political statement. But I LOVE this video. The darkness. The tenderness of the disembodied feminine voice. The pleading. The power. The purity. The pain. The grace. The haunting chants in the background. Symbolism couldn't be more perfect than this.

Payback is a Bitch

Contractors to Stage Protest Against Foreign Workers Decision

Manama// The contractors associations is organizing a sit-in in front of the Labor Market Regulatory Authority today in protest against the government decision allowing foreign workers to transfer freely from one sponsor to another. The contractors want the competent authority to put an end to the labour drain problem and start deporting loose labour and extend the deadline for residence renewal for more than three month. "contractors are suffering great deal from the loose labour issue, which we encounter everywhere now and which hurt the public image of our country" a source connected with the sit-in told Al Waqt. Loose labour refers mainly to such activities as selling flowers, vegetables or other products at traffic lights and public spaces. The contractors were also displeased with a recent 10- Dinar tariff (Dh 100) payable on fresh recruitment, and have organized a number of sit-ins.

__________________
From The National

Popular sayings أمثال شعبية

Perhaps there's nothing that can illustrate popular culture more honestly and concisely than popular sayings. But I'm not inclined to believe that those sayings will give a certain culture a clear distinction or uniqueness compared with others. Except possibly in the imagery and the contexts in which they are conveyed. Like if you look at old Arabic proverbs, when Arabs were still, for the most part, dwellers of the desert, you'd notice an omnipresence of the things you'd expect to see in basic desert life; horses, camels, trails of trade caravans, seasonal winds and their distinctive names, tent mast...etc... To the extent that a poet in love once said of his sweetheart:

أحبها و تحبني و يحب ناقتها بعيري

I'm not sure if the above is poetry or prose(if you know please volunteer the information). It simply says: "I love her and she loves me and my camel loves her she camel"

It may sound kind of cheesy in English, but it's very expressive and evocative in Arabic. It's as if those two lovers are so close to each other and love each other to the point where even their respective rides had fallen in love too.

So the fauna and flora and the habitat in general will influence the way people think and phrase their words, and hence the way their proverbs come about. But the content, the semantics, are the same, if you break things up to the basic components. Like there's the expression: "لا ناقة لي فيها و لا جمل ", which means that the person in concern 'doesn't have anything to do with this matter', or 'it's nothing of his business'. But how does it literally translate? "I don't have a camel in this lot"

So back to popular sayings; I was in a middle of a conversation Yesterday when I said something I probably hadn't said in years. It just poped out from the darkness of my pre-frontal lobes (or whatever lobes that takes care of memory.) And then it struck me how we take these sayings for granted and never investigate them or dig up their real meanings and origins. Or we don't even bother to look for alternatives. I wondered, if I'm to convey the meaning in English, how it was going to take me several times longer. There's probably a saying with more or less the same meaning in every other language, as they tend to be cross-cultural spots and reflections of pure human experience (and those never change and aren't culture-sensitive). Anyway, the saying in question is "وصل البل لدقني." Which in its simplest literal meaning means, "the witness had reached my beard". It's a very strange way to put things. I suspect it has two main meanings, one is more likely true than the other.

The first one is that things had developed dramatically without a person knowing about it or noticing it. In that context, I'd imagine (but I'm not sure) that the etymology had originally sprang from a classic barber shop. Where men sit around waiting to get their hair cut or their beard shaved. And since blading is endemic in the Arab world, lots of men end up going to the barber shop to get the latter treatment only. Patrons will invariably engage in banter, drink tea, tell stories and watch TV. If one is too preoccupied with these pastimes, the barber may start applying shaving cream to his face without him noticing it.

i.e. things had developed dramatically fast, or the person in concerns is too dumb to realize that HE, himself, is about to be afflicted with the common agony. (in this case beard shaving)

In this case, the situation may not be very serious, the saying is mainly used for humor.

The other context, and this is a mere speculation on my part, is when someone is standing (or sitting) inert in a water pool; like those used in farmhouses as water tanks (except that their lids are open.) When the wetness reaches his (or her) beard, that means the water had reached a dangerous level and it's time for him to act fast lest he drowns.

As you could see, the latter usage is much more sinister.

There are many other dirty and hilarious sayings that I've come across over the years. My number one favorite (barring the R-rated ones, of course) is still:" الضراط على المرتكي سهل" . As it's been for so many years. It's closest English counterpart is "it's easy to preach from the bleachers". The literal meaning is a little uncouth, it means "it's easier to fart while you're sitting leaning to the side". I couldn't agree more. It's easy for you as a CEO or a director (for instance) to opine and theorize and preach to your staff when you're leaning back on your leather chair with your feet on the desk and your anal passages accessible to the air. While the poor bastards sit tight in narrow chairs leaning forward, with elbows on knees and no sign of imminent relief. Another violent rendition of this situation is perfectly put in the saying "اللي بياكل العصي مو متل اللي بيعدها", or "the one who's recieving the lashes isn't in the same position as the one who's counting them". Things that may seem obvious and redundant for you to say now, but nontheless, many times in reality they're forgotten about.

So here I turn the mic to you, my dear readers. Post your favorite sayings from any culture or of any language. Or post them on your blog and leave a link here. I'd love to read about them.

Once upon a time.

Once upon a time, I was a student. In a big university. I was studying architecture. And 'Architectural Design' was the major subject of our curriculum. Flunk it and you fail the year. It was that important. We had two terms a year. Two projects a term. The subjects and the briefs of the projects were predetermined by the despots ... errr..I mean by the Doctors. We develop the concept on butter paper (also known as Bon Marche) with the help of doctors and assistant teachers, over the period of two months. And then once, finger crossed, our concepts are inline and complete, we transform those concepts into properly produced drawings on cartoon sheets (aka Canson). That usually happens over the period of a three-days stint, during which we are required to stay within the college premises during the day and do all the work. Strictly indoors. The security guard at the door (the only exit, since all other emergency exits in the vast monstrosity are locked with pad-locks and the keys are thrown in wells chocked with the debris of thirty autumns).. that security guard is saddled with the task of ensuring that no student leaves or enters the college building with a half-finished sheet. The re-production process also involved coloring the important bits of our drawings. And instead of the pencil lines, which we used on butter paper, we were required to re-draw everything with ink pens of various thickness. Rotering was the dominant brand. The coloring was invariably done in water colors. Anyone who had worked with them before would tell you that sheets laid loosely on drawing boards are liable to distortion and waviness once they get wet with water colors. To counter-effect that stretchiness we used a technique known in the construction business as post-tensioning. We'd soak the Canson sheet in water, lay it squarely on the boards, let all the water dribble down until the sheet is damp but not squirting. And then we'd use a special kind of adhesive tape with certain chemicals on one side that would interact with water and form some sort of a glue. The glue would harden once it's dry. The sheet and the tape would usually dry simultaneously, which ensures that the sheet is post-tensioned (or post-stressed) properly. Now you can work on the sheet with your brush and not worry about it getting soggy. ....all this process take place inside the college, and the only source of water is in the men's room (or the ladies). You can imagine the circus. The men's room would cease functioning as toilets, because unlike modern buildings, the communist planners of our college didn't believe it needed mechanical exhausts for the toilets. Natural ventilation is best. That would be true as long as the prevailing wind blew from the other direction. The smart planners of our college situated the toilets at the southern flank of the building, but since we're at the far end of the uni campus, and since it was all open prairie around us, the wind simply blew from every direction. So we ended up having foul smell most of the time. And therefore it was better to stop using the bathrooms during the Tabyeed (drawing re-production period), and walk over the two minutes trail to the Law School to take a shit with the lawyers of the future.......

So we'd have to hole up in the dungeons of the college for three days. Scrambling to get all the sheets properly aligned on the drawing boards so that the rolling ruler would fit nicely. The rolling ruler (the one used for measurement, not for winning elections) is another story altogether. By the way I'm not even sure students of architecture the world over are also subject to all these miseries. Anyway, the rolling ruler is your normal 1 meter long T ruler. Except it has four small steel wheels at each corner. We buy a heavy duty strings --the same one used to suture-- (it's all a big business, mind you) from the shop down stairs, cut two proper length of the string, and then we spool them both around those wheels in an X figure. And then we nail the four ends of the strings to the board... and lo and behold, you've got a ruler that can slide up and down the board in a precise parallel movement. Up and down, back and forth. Relentlessly.

Now once all that is taken care of. We set to work on the actual thing. All the above is mere foreplay, ladies and gentlemen, the hardcore is yet to come. The day before we start the work, every student would 'reserve' a drawing desk for him/her. It's important to do that because of the shortage of serviceable desks. Friends will usually cluster around each other. The alphabetical order by which we sit in the studios are no loner relevant. The 'cool' guys would get the prime locations. These places would usually be next to the windows (for proper light and ventilation) and the heating radiators. I wonder if you've ever tried to keep a firm grip on a pen with your thumb and forefinger in a sub zero atmosphere. It's simply torture. So the radiators come in handy.

Now I did tell you that friends cluster together and around each other. Another factor in the formation of desks is where the hot girls are seated. You realize that as young men, full of energy and ambitions for the future, we were not short of inspiration. In fact, I dare say we were over-motivated. So when the hot girl in the slightly low-cut sweater and tight jeans bend down to grab a pen from the floor or to take care of the painstaking details on her drawing; the male students seated behind her would reach for their Correctors in unison. Because it's impossible to draw a straight line when you're overly motivated. So your pen slips off the edge of the ruler because, naughty naughty, you're not paying attention to it. By then, ejaculations of white Corrector ink and groans of frustration will echo from the walls. But luckily everything was muffled by the stereo (mostly cassette players) blasting away silly pop songs. You can tell how silly a group of friends are by the songs they pick. Through the first couple of stints I kept drifting through the studios until I found myself in a quite place with classic music playing in the background, and few older guys (we call them 'mostanfezeen'; i.e. students who had previously exhausted all chances of passing a certain year and now they're given another chance) with beards, and where the flesh omnipresence took a backseat to the somber faces of those who are about to fail. But there's still a token presence somehow (since female student constituted 60% of the overall population), although it may not be as distractive.

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I still have many more stories to tell from my college days, but the post had already gotten long enough (no pun intended) and I fear that you're already bored. So I'll touch down on the rest of them later. Damn, those memories are still so very fresh and vivid; hands down, those were the best days of my life.

Metro Riders Brace for Lack of Parks*

DUBAI // Managements of shopping malls are exploring how to prevent their car parks becoming park-and-ride facilities for Dubai Metro passengers once the train line opens.
................
Mall of the Emirates will have an air-conditioned walkway direct to its station and management are already looking at ways to deter motorists from simply coming to the mall to park.

“The majority of people spend about three hours in the mall, and we care for the majority of people and don’t want our car park to be used as a park-and-ride,” said Fuad Sharaf, the mall’s vice president.
“At the end of the day the mall is made for the shoppers. It is about managing the parking in a proper way. I will not say it is a paid parking system, because our intention is not to make money out of parking.”The mall is adding 750 car park spaces to its current 6,300. By the end of the year, 200 spaces will have been added, with the rest coming next year.Deira City Centre, which is run by the Majid al Futtaim Group, which also operates Mall of the Emirates, is expecting an increase of foot traffic after the Metro launches. Officials there said that the mall was considering “various options” to manage parking, but that nothing had been decided.

Management at the Burjuman has already created a pre-emptive plan to keep parking free for its customers. Last year, the mall introduced paid parking except on Fridays and public holidays. It is also free for customers who spend more than Dh100 at the mall. “Especially where we are, the Burjuman will be the one of the biggest stations, with both lines crossing eventually, and we almost anticipate this is going to be the Piccadilly Circus of Dubai,” said Bruce Von Kaufmann, operations manager of Burjuman and Reef Mall.

Parking at the Burjuman costs Dh10 per hour and is free between 12:30 and 2:30pm, and after 6pm. “We will let the Metro open, gauge the impact and then make the necessary adjustments if any adjustments are required,” Mr Von Kaufmann said.

Thanks for saying --although in a circumventive way-- what we've been trying to say all along; that the car parks at the respective stations are inadequate in numbers. Otherwise, why are malls expecting they'll be flooded with Metro commuters who will want to park at their lots? other question is, those who will be deterred from parking at the Malls to ride to the Metro; will they have any other options? will they eventually just give up and drive? You know, the RTA has been saying it will put new buses to serivce on new routes, so I tried to see if these routes has been decided upon and if there's a map on the RTA's website. But the Rail Agency is currently busy narrating its success stories of tendering the retail spaces at the Metro stations (hooray! recession be damned!) It's still early to draw any conclusions or to pass judgements though. But the pre-emptive measures the Malls are trying to take are really telling. MOE management think average visitors stay up to 3 hours in the Mall. I wonder if there are real statistics to back this up. I do go to the Mall of the Emirates everyday on my launch break, and no Sir it's not 3 hours. I can stretch it up to 2 hours (which happens often), because the Bosses are lenient, but I can't spend 3 hours just to prove I'm not a Park&Ride trespasser. I predict they will eventually end up making it paid parking. Alas. I remember when the Burjuman intersection was boarded up and the roads in and around it were diverted on 5th of May 2005, I remember the day well because that was the day the construction on the Metro had really began, and I remember it because life has never been the same since in Bur Dubai. And here too I expect a drastic change to Mall dynamics once the driveless train starts accepting passengers onboard. We could always hope it's change for the better.

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*The title of the original article is: Malls braced for Metro riders

Arabic Language and Culture in the UAE

There's a recurring theme in the papers these days. The National and the Gulf News have taken it upon themselves to preserve the Arabic language. Indeed, Arabic culture is about to get extinct and we need saviors. People are worried that if not acted upon, the globalization and the inclination to speak other languages would erode the original identity and mother language would gradually be forgotten.

I've been hearing panic calls about this for long, long time. I remember how my friend in the third grade told me that if people stopped talking Arabic it'll die in two years. This didn't make any sense at all to me at the time because I wasn't sure how people will talk when they stop talking Arabic. I knew of English but knew not a word of it at the time. Also, what made me doubt that Arabic will recede with the progression of foreign language was my own parents linguistic abilities; my mother studied french for 6 years at school and knew very little. My father's command of English was weak despite years of formal education. And both my parents are university graduates, mind you. During the blossoming era of socialism in Syria in 1960s and 70s, foreign languages were taken for granted. The first person I knew of who spoke foreign language was my uncle. And guess what? it was Russian. Several dispatches to Moscow to pluck the technical knowledge of the communists have left him in good shape. I doubt if he still speaks any. Funny how languages, like muscles, will vanish with the lack of use. I could make one cautious exception, mother languages never die. That of course depends on the extent to which they're used or neglected and for how long. But it's my belief that what gets registered in the early years of cognitive growth never goes away.

With those Save-Arabic-before-it's-too-late kind of articles, several erroneous assumptions are being made. First: it's assumed that when an Arab learn a second language he forgets his own. Second: if non-Arab expats don't learn Arabic, then Arabs will be less inclined or enthused to speak it. Third: the cold war between Arabic (as an official language of the UAE), and English (as the language of business and communications) is a zero sum game...etc..

Let's take this article: For our children’s sake, we must not let Arabic die, Mick Randall of The National touches lightly on some of the above points, but then he says:

"the British academic David Graddol has identified Arabic as demographically the fastest growing language in the world."

I wonder how, when it's the fastest growing language in the world, could Arabic so easily die.

On the other hands, you have the expatriates who would really like to learn and integrate. Integrate within the Emirati society, that is. And they're willing to endure the pain of learning Arabic (contrary to the public belief, Arabic is an easy language) just to assimilate within the Emirati society. Problem is they fail to define the local culture to begin with. This particular article goes as low as to make the common stereotypes, associating the local culture with shopping and the 10,000 Derhams Abayas. The author then complains about the difficulty of learning the local dialect. And then, in a sudden twist of narration, voices her fears that the local culture might be on its death bed.

There has been a lot of talk about expatriates immersing themselves in local culture. Well, if that means learning Malayalam, Hindi and Urdu, and eating dosas, idlis and biryani (which by the way is Arab food, according to Indians), then I have some way to go. And if it means going to the salon in high heels and a 10,000-dirham abaya, well, as my husband says: “In the next world.”

....

So I still can’t truthfully say that I am integrated into Emirati culture. And I have to ask, where is it? Is it in the malls, walking around the shops, cafes, and restaurants? It might be on TV, but I don’t have one. I am sure many Emiratis would say: Shopping is not our culture.” Then what is?

....

Al Arabiyya Lughati (My Language is Arabic) textbooks published in 2000-2001 show the Emirati culture that many longing for: families at the park with children playing, grandchildren bring gifts to their grandparents, a child kissing his mother’s hand out of respect. This is Emirati culture, but just one part of it. Although the new 2008-2009 version is filled with characters who look like refugees from SpaceToon, these are still the best parts of Emirati culture. But are we teaching them in school? Not as much as we should. Many of the books do promote respect for parents, but they don’t go far enough. Perhaps there should be permanent public service announcements for young people, like: “Did you call your mother and father today?” Or bring Emirati grannies and grandpas into schools to tell their stories.

And then my favorite part:

If expatriates are to integrate into UAE culture, first there has to be a clear definition of what that means.

:)

Does it not piss you off when the author stumbles upon the crucial point in the very last paragraph of his/her article? Yes indeed. It'd be beneficial to know what that means before we plunge into the depth of your article, let alone integrate. But there is, in my opinion, a more important question here: are expatriates really required to integrate into the UAE culture? I've been here for 6 years and never seen one single gesture to encourage me to integrate (not that I was looking for one). In fact, it's my belief that Emiratis are becoming more protective about their identity and more wary of interactions with other cultures.

Obsessed

Warning: no spoilers ahead (actually, there are spoilers, but I do intend to spoil it for you)

Beyonce is an attractive and exquisite black beauty with excellent singing talent and the jelly o-like booty to match. To put it plainly, she’s hot and she knows it. And I think, in my humble opinion, she's one of the sexiest women alive. And so when I saw the trailer for her new movie, ‘Obsessed’, I thought that’s it. I’m seeing that one. I wasn’t very alarmed by the fact that the trailer is reminiscent of something I’ve seen before. Damn. What was it? And when? I tried to jog my memory: some black person performing on stage lately? Hmmm, James Brown?!… no not that one, something more recent. But it had nothing with live performance. It’s more about the plot. The mistress who isn’t content with her status and want to possess the guy and make him get rid of his wife*.

So I went ahead and watched it Friday afternoon. I like to go to the CineStar at the Mall of the Emirates. I’d usually buy the ticket an hour or so ahead of the time and then go have an argileh at the Almaz café with couple of friends who loiter there all the day everyday. By the time I get bored of them the hour had passed. This usually happens around the afternoon. It’s otherwise very crowded in the evenings. And I hate crowds. Or more specifically, I hate the 100,000 kids who buzz around and play hide and seek around my legs. Or the fussy mother who keeps elbowing me whenever the queue moves up a notch. Guess what lady, singles are also human beings. And we do like to watch movies like normal people. We’re not on porn 24/7- ahh, sorry I went off on a tangent here….

So where were we?

OK. This Beyonce is married to a hunk of a black dude. Who’s a Center for the LA Lakers but on a lease to the asset management business in downtown LA. They just moved in this marvelous suburban house with their infant son. Trouble takes off when a blond female on a temporary employment becomes Derek’s PA when his assistant calls in sick. She tries to seduce him couple of times but fails. She then breaks into his house while his wife isn’t in. The wife suddenly shows up and a fight erupts between the wanna-be mistress and the loyal wife. Cat-fight par excellence (or you could safely call it bitch-fight). The wife wins and the blondie falls through the attic’s floor (which is also the living room’s ceiling) and lands on the living room’s coffee table. The gory scene is then complemented by a chandelier that loses its ceiling hook (the whole movie seems to revolve around the false-ceiling joists, my architect’s mind thinks), the chandelier then falls on the blondie and the wrought iron pierces her in a dozen different places. A spectacular scene if you discount the 100,000 times it’s been done before. Strangely, the wooden handrails in the bedrooms corridor held pretty well under pressure (i.e. Beyonce’s weight + the blondie’s thrust (no pun intended)).

It’s unbelievably boring movie. The dialogues are trite and forced. Idris Elba (the asset management/hedge fund husband) doesn’t even look 10% of the part. He can only do the thug or the rogue police officer’s role. Beyonce can’t act at all. Heck, she can’t even talk properly. Her diction is mangled and distorted. We don’t even know why the blond was so obsessed. This movie really fails on multiple levels. I dozed off few times and was awaken by the high-pitched shrieks of Beyonce. She got the bit about the crazy wife a little correct. I presume she’s like that in real life. I would have had sympathy for Jay Z, but the latter is a jerk beyond description himself. In fact, they suit each other pretty well.

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*This movie is almost an exact knock-off of Michael Douglas's movie 'Fatal Attraction'

My Thoughts on Obama's Speech

It was a spectacle. One of the most important and significant speeches for a long, long time. I didn't watch it live. I was one of the lucky ones who read the transcript first and watched it later. At least, he could not hypnotize me with his charms.

First, I must say that the overall impression I've got after reading and watching the speech is a positive one. I'm not a news analyst. I usually look for the good in people and try my best to empathize with them. And after putting myself in Obama's position for a fleeting moment (power is intoxicating I must tell you), I decided that, regardless of all the unfortunate assumptions and near goof-ups in his speech, the man wasn't bad, considering the circumstances.

But let's not fool ourselves. Obama is not here because America has suddenly decided it should love the Muslim world. 'Mutual Interest' is the key word here. Obama is mired in Iraq and Afghanistan; problems he had nothing to do with but benefited from immensely during his presidential campaign. Let's not forget that the premise on which most Americans elected him is to change the course of their nation. With change in foreign policy being the imperative one. Let's not forget that anti-American sentiments were high all over the world in the last 8 years (and especially the last 4). Obama, despite his massive popularity around the world, does still inherit the same problems that made Bush unpopular; Iraq and Afghanistan.

Let's not forget that most of us didn't despise Bush because he was stupid or because he couldn't pronounce Arabic words of flattery. In fact, the last words Bush had said before the shoes came tumbling at him in Baghdad was 'shukran gazilan'. (thank you very much). And anyway, if there's one person I despise the most in the previous administration it's Dick Cheney. The guy who is still out there on TV defending all the heinous acts of torture and such. Obama's inheritance is really really bad. And in his position, any speech that doesn't explicitly apologize for past mistakes isn't good enough.

I resent his equating anti-American sentiments in the Arab/Muslim world with American stereotypes of Islam. 99% of the Muslims I know do not have a fundamental problem with the United States. The negative feelings are based on true and real grievances. Decades' long of double-standards and blind support of Israel had made the latter invincible. Israel could literally do as it pleases in the middle east and nobody could hold her accountable. Suffice it to remember the number of security council resolutions that were vetoed by the US. If the population in the Arab and Muslim world were composed of saints, they'd have eventually hated the United States. And many Muslims and Arabs make the clear distinction between the American people and the American administrations. We excuse the American people because they generally don't know. (Which was proved to me lately when I protested to someone that Arabs are always portrayed negatively in Hollywood, and I challenged him to cite one movie where they at least appeared as normal people, his eyes lit up and he said: "Harold & Kumar!!")

So what are Arabs'/Muslims' negative stereotypes of America? there aren't many. And they certainly do not warrant a mention by a 'great' president in a significant speech. On the other hand, Islamophoic and anti-Arab sentiments are rife in the United States. Heck, they are even plenty in Europe and, unfortunately, amongst the westerners who live in the middle east. Part of this is due to ignorance, which is unforgivable but understandable. And part of it is pure racism. Which is doubly unforgivable and not understandable. How could these two things be equated? Sorry mister president, the barter isn't good enough for me.

Obama had recently declined to make public the photos of sexual abuse of detainees in Iraq and Afghanistan, which include rape, sodomy and forced oral sex. I highly detest this decision by Obama. He was allegedly urged by Al Maliki of Iraq who told him 'Baghdad will burn' if the photos were released. What Al Maliki had actually meant is that his premiership will burn because American troops will have to pull out sooner due to the violence that would ensue. So what does that mean ladies and gentlemen? that it's better and safer to fool the Iraqi people than to let the truth be known? I'm not particularly sadistic and will not get turned on by seeing these photos. In fact, I couldn't watch most of Abu Ghuraib graphic abuse for more than a quick glance each. The reason why it's important to release these photos is to put the American military/intelligence conduct in this region in perspective. America continues its war in Afghanistan and to some extent in Iraq. A war being fought by the same soldiers, before, during and after the Obama speech. Obama had even become more reliant on drones and less on finesse, which is very unfortunate because many civilians are being killed. If we are to reluctantly accept the war in Afghanistan, we'd at least like to be told the truth about what's going on in jailhouses of Kandahar. The last thing anybody wants is to replace the monsters of Al Qaeda with other monsters. And let's also not forget that scandals of such magnitudes don't usually get full attention (i.e. investigation, trial...etc..) unless and until documents are released.

As for Palestine, and although I like the positive tone and the acknowledgement of the suffering. I couldn't particularly see a massive change from what former democratic administrations had stated. I could almost see Obama asking for dropping of armed struggle in exchange for halt to the settlements. Although to be fair he didn't say that explicitly, but recent statement he and Clinton (Hillary) had made indicate that he wants Arab nations to normalize with Israel regardless of what progress is being made on peace tracks. I wonder where he's coming from here, when he preaches about the dropping of armed struggle: is he advising that it's more politically expedient to do so? or is he saying that from the point of view of brokering a deal; like hey guys, I could help you more if you could just drop your arms and give up the struggle. And quite frankly, his analogy with the struggle of African-Americans is silly. Palestinians kids tried stone-throwing (for God sake) at Israeli tank for three years and got nowhere. Some enthusiasts on my tweet feed had cited this link as a proof that Obama had said the right thing about Palestine. After all, if you could piss the predictable and sane Zionist fanatics then you must be saying it right. Some people seem to be suffering from amnesia in this part of the world; since when was reactions from Zionist Israel an indication of how fair or balanced someone is? And by all means this is not even the first incident where there were exchange of unpleasant words between Israel and America, have we forgotten the intense disagreement between Bill Clinton and Bibi in 1996 during their FIRST meeting, where Clinton came out saying 'who the fuck does he think he is? who's the fucking superpower here'?

So to sum it all up, armed struggle is legal, while Jewish settlements in the West Bank are illegal. I will never ever recognize a state that discriminate on the basis of race and religion. A state that had established itself on the pain and suffering of hundreds of thousands of Palestinian Arabs. For you, Obama's speech might have been good if your measuring metric is Bush. I'm sorry I can't take Bush as a reference, I respect the American people much more than to do that. And I know of many of them who could have written a speech much better in content than Obama's. Although their oratory skills may not be as superior as his.

Obama Speech

Inspired by both Abu Fares and The Real Nick’s comments that..” oh boy you’re so cerebral you need to get laid..” (although one has to wonder at what point one stops needing to get laid? ).. I’m going to predict the major points of Obama speech today:

- Mark my word: he’s going to talk about Cairo’s history. He will probably not mention any of its Muslim early pioneers though; he will most certainly praise the Pharaohs.
- He will praise the history of tolerance and co-existence in the Muslim world.
- He will reiterate that Israel has legitimate security concerns.
- He will reiterate that Muslim/Arab world need to do more to allay Israel’s legitimate fears.
- He will praise the role Egypt had played in strangulating Gaza.
- He will skip Nasser and probably praise Sadat’s unbaralleled vision for beace and brosberity in the region.
- He will complain of the dominance of Al Ahli club on all African football championships.
- He will invite Sha’ban Abd Al Reheem to the podium to sing: “yes, yes, aiwa ya 3am, yes we can…”
- He will advice Muslim youth to get laid more and play B Ball more.
- ….

Feel free to add your own predictions.

The Secret

You’ve probably seen the movie or heard about it. Or maybe you’ve noticed the omnipresence of the book in bookstores, or heard a friend talk about it enthusiastically. In all cases, ‘The Secret’ is not a secret anymore. It’s become the big new thing and its mania is attracting flocks of die-hard zealots from all over the world.

I’ve seen the movie and read the book, and there’s no denying the uplifting impact it’d have on you. The successive gurus and enlightened teachers, who bombard you with torrents of unquestionable truths and intrinsic values, are ripe with energy and optimism. And they are all highly believable.

The Secret revolves around the Law of Attraction. The notion that all things material are attracted, and created, by thoughts; i.e. negative thoughts attract negative material things (like crisis, illness, bankruptcy, poverty…etc..) and conversely, positive thoughts attract positive things (like wealth, health ..etc..etc..)

In other words you can get everything you want just by thinking of it. But the gurus realize that the simplicity of the proposition defies the logic even of the most gullible, so they qualify that statement by mandating three essential steps to getting what you want:

1- Knowing what you want:

It seems imperative that you should know the things you want before you get it. But the authors/gurus elaborate on the matter by stressing the importance of knowing precisely what you want from the world. Not what you can get from the world. Your desires shouldn’t be restrained by your ability to achieve them. One of them simply puts it: think of the world as an open menu and order what ever you like. The only thing is that you should really really want it. You should possess the unswerving passion to getting that thing.


2- Feeling it (!)

The first step is quite acceptable because people are naturally encouraged to have ambitions and dreams. And dreams are dreams because…well, they will often not come true. And they’re probably not as mystical and magical in reality as they are in the mental image.

But here the gurus ask you to feel the thing you’ve asked for. If it was a car, imagine that you’re driving it. If there’s one act in reality that may whet your imagination; like test-driving that car for real, then you may do it too. You’ve got to feel and act as if you already own the car. And you’ve got to unequivocally believe that it’s coming to you soon. Visualize the images with vivid colors in your mind. And that feeling has to feel good itself all throughout the feeling process.

3- Receiving it…etc..
...


The one thing between step 1 and 2, though, that you’re advised to consider, is doing everything within your means to get closer to the thing you want. But you have to feel absolutely positive and good about it. I salute the gurus for preempting an obvious rebuttal to their theory; suppose I want to be an astronaut, is it enough to wish for it and feel good about it to become one?

Of course not, they say, you should take all the mandatory step; applying for a Nasa program or booking a flight with Sir. Richard Branson…Etc…so where does The Secret play out in this case? In hypnotizing Nasa applicants’ review team to accept you even, for example, when you don’t possess the qualifications? Or in convincing the ever benign Sir Branson to take you on board his flights for free?

The credulous crowd who buy into this stuff, unfortunately, will defend it furiously. Look, don’t get me wrong; I have absolutely no objections to feeling good and wishing for the best. And I do realize the importance and powers of positive thinking. What I utterly despise is the assertion that this thing they call ‘The Secret’ is a law and it works every time. Yes, they assure you, your mere thoughts will set things in motions, and the universe will conspire to get you what you want, if and when you want it badly enough.

The only thing that they admonish you about is to feel absolutely no DOUBT about getting your prize. You have to set aside all doubtful and negative thoughts and get rid of them. And only then you will get what you want. Even the tinniest negative thought might compromise and contaminate your whole endeavor.

The flaw in this logic is clear, I hope. That in order to test any theory or proposition scientifically, you have to scrutinize every bit of it and test it through a vigorous skeptic microscope. What the gurus are simply saying, you can’t really test this theory because it won’t work for you if you have doubts. The moment you drop your skepticism, it will work for you.

I don’t know about you, but I value my mental faculties too much (limited as they are) that I can’t really trade my skepticism off with material things. My abilities to question and analyze everything are what keep me going in this world. Without it, I’m as alive as one on a death row.

The anecdotal evidence is overwhelming, as the book, the movie, and even the website suggest. Readers of the book and viewers of the movie are welcome to share their stories, except that all entries are moderated. You can’t just post freely on their website. So, with my skeptical mind, I’m assuming they will only allow stories of ‘success’.

The movie even claims all great world leaders knew of the secret and applied it. I wonder if Hitler was one of those. (and in deference to the ancientness of the secret, the book is printed on yellow papers which are brownish at the edges. Like manuscripts of Baghdad library at its golden age.)

Finally, there’s one thing that I can’t disagree with in this movie; which is the power of positive thinking in healing illnesses (or stopping it from aggravating.) It’s scientifically proven that your immune system (and other quintessential body functions) are greatly affected by your state of mind. As to what extent they’re interconnected, I don’t know. So I’d say I partly agree. But it’s probably self-evident in our daily lives that worrying about a disease is more destructive than the disease itself. For those people, carefully administered doses of hope will hopefully help.

Hope isn’t a bad thing, it’s false-hope that is bad and unrewarding. I’m not that desperate. Thank you very much.

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P.S. I read the book few months ago, so I apologize if my recollections of it are a little bit off the mark. Excuse my sloppiness.