Why, RTA?

Will somebody please tell them what 'recession' means?

"How Room Designs Affect Your Work and Mood"

Brain research can help us craft spaces that relax, inspire, awaken, comfort and heal

Scientific American is by far the best online magazine as far as I'm concerned. My dad used to buy me the Arabic version of its hard copy when I was a child. And although it didn't begin to make any sense until I was in the 11th or 12th standards, he probably thought of this as the most successful investment he had in me. Because at the summer after I've finished the Baccalaureate exam, I brought the whole bunch of magazines down from our books gravyard in the attic and read them all. It was one of the best times of my life, the entire menu of college studies was flipped open in front of me, I need only pick and choose.

Not that easy, as it turned out. The competition was vicious and the higher the nerd had scored the more choosy he/she was allowed to get. I had to 'settle' for architecture. You see, I am not an 'artist' by nature nor by nurture. I am a pedant. But I passed the freehand exam, soley because of my good visulaization skills...ehm... don't want to sound conceited, but up until this day I can challenge the most learned civil or structural engineers and trump them when it comes to Descriptive Geometry. When I first joined our office here in Dubai, there was this egotistical structural engineer who thought architects and architecture were waste of time and space, and he didn't spare any effort or opportunity to demonstrate his distaste. I'm an advocate of freedom of speech and wholeheartedly believe that people should be allowed to speak their mind, as long as they could bear the consequences. An arguement had erupted, I don't know how or why. But I remember that the dilemma in question was: what happens when a plane intersects a Triangular Prism? in this particular case the section of the prism was a Right Trinagle. So what happens when a plane perpendicular to the lower plane of the prism (laid on its side) intersects with it? nothing happens. You end up with a Right Trinagle. The dilemma (or the essence of the bet) was that; let's suppose this imaginery plane is revolving around an axis perpendicular to the lower plane of the prism (or around itself, in layman's terms), would the intersection's trinagle change in dimension? the top notch educated structural engineer insisted that it wouldn't. I couldn't blieve it, he was probably joking or trying to test me. But I was wrong. He was dead serious. Of course, he ceased to act arrogantly after it was demonstrated to him what an architect could do on AutoCAD three-dimentional drawing realms :)

Back to the 16 years old me. I didn't get into architecture entirely by choice. It was mainly a process of natural selection. I got in because I could. And because I wasn't eligible for IT. I wasn't complaining. Architecture seemed as diverse and intellectually demanding as any other engineering discipline. The only thing that is regrettable about Aleppo's Architectural Engineering Faculty is the tyranny of the F factor; the power of tight jeans and perfumed hair. Yes, ladies and gentlemen. It's a fact that as male students we had to work twice as hard. I can't think of any other place that is more sexist or bigoted or riddled with outward appearances than this place. But it's also one of the most places that I love in the whole world. And I make sure that I go visit whenever I am on vacation.

Now what brings Scientific American and Architecture together is this new article published in their April issue, which they aptly named Mind (the issue, I mean). It deals exclusively with all things related to the helath and function of this intricate object/organ. From linguistics to dreams to memory to maximization of performance. There is also an inspiring article about Daniel Tammet, the guy with Asperger Disorder who is also a savant! It's amazing what people with putative disabilities could achieve when the haters get off their back a little.

This architecture-related article deals exclusively with the impact of room (space) design on mind and body. Let's see what the key points are as they are mentioned in the summary:

-> Architects have long intuited that the places we inhabit can affect our thoughts, feelings and behaviors. Now behavioral scientists are giving their hunches an empirical basis.

-> Scientists are unearthing tantalizing clues about how to design spaces that promote creativity, keep students focused and alert, and lead to relaxation and social intimacy. The results inform architectural and design decisions such as the height of ceilings, the view from windows, the shape of furniture, and the type and intensity of lighting.

-> Such efforts are leading to cutting-edge projects such as residences for seniors with dementia in which the building itself is part of the treatment.

Again, at the risk of sounding concieted, I'd like to state that we, architects, almost know most of the things mentioned in the article instinctively. Whether the low ceiling labs, the varying lighting solutions... or the disparate reaction to sharp and smooth lines. The only thing that I didn't honestly know for a fact was that greenery help people to concentrate. It's well-known that green settings help to relax and disarm impulsive reactions, and this is why I'd rather, for example, take my first date to the park or to an outdoor restaurant rather than to a confined bar. :) You know, if Police Departments around the world were smart, or if they'd listen to their comissioned architects, they'd design at least one of their interrogation rooms this way (with greenary and view of relaxing settings), you don't always need to intimidate the person in question. I also know that monotonous sounds, like the bubbling of low water fountain, help relaxation and may lead to involuntary sleep (in my case, at least !) But it's news to me that greenery help concentration. As far as I am concerned, providing greenery and good natural ventilation to places where people need to stay for long hours is no brainer. But it's almost always the case that the client is the ultimate decision maker. He or she would want to exploit space and area to the maximum. And this is why there will have to come a time where codes of green building are enforced. This is probably the only way to stiff-arm the owners who approach projects like nursing homes or schools from an investment point of view.

Actually, human beings realized ages ago the value of having greenary and waterfeatures close to where they live. The traditional arabic house is no exception. But instead of opening up to an outside greenary, it's opened inward toward a quintessential courtyard; you can't have a traditional arab house without a courtyard; with a bubbling fountain in the middle and flowerbeds and various plant vegetations on the perimeter, whereever possible. There were privacy issues involved too, obviously. Like the Harem of the house could wear their light summer dresses during the hot seasons without worrying about onlookers. They could waddle through the expanse of the space swaying their butts while the man (stud) smoked his hooka and drank his tea by the fountain. (Bab El Hara style). The concept has diminshed now, of course. It's too unfeasible with the explosion of population. Nonetheless, some people still live in them. Or in what was left of them after most have been razed to give way to concrete apartment blocks. In my home town, Aleppo, it was the sole intervention of a French urban planner and early graduates of Aleppo School of Architecture that had saved the old city. And we still recieve grants and direct technical helps from international organizations and the EU to restore, renovate and keep the old city alive. When I was at college me and couple of colleagues were saddled with the task of surveying few houses in the heart of the old city; draw a kick-off de-facto plans and sketches of how they looked like, and try to register in what physical shape they are. We had absolutely no data at all. The GIS database was still in its infancy, so we had to knock on doors, and we were all males :) we almost got our butts kicked couple of times. Because as with the genre of the houses themselves, the people inhabiting them were ultra conservative, and they looked with suspecious eyes upon the well-dressed guys from the Uni. We got by alright, draw what we could and extrapolated the rest. It was fun. I get nostalgic feelings every time I remember that episode.

It's possible that the people of Levants got the courtyard concept from Greece, given the enormous exchange of culture and theology (Greek scholars would come to lecture in Damascus, Jericho, Bethlehm...etc...) But the courtyard itself as a concept is very old, it seems. And it's very hard to pin down a patent holder. The Chinese and Persian used it at around 3000 BC. The people of Mesopotamia used it too, extensively. The Spanish would have been influenced by the Moors (or the Arabs of Andalusia), especially that the Ummayad dynasty was originally from the Levant. And after Andalusia had seceded from the Khilafa state, its architects were able to find their own path and eventually trump those of Cairo or Damascus. They managed to make their columns more slender and the ornaments more pronounced and subtle at the same time. As witnessed in Al Hamra (Alhambra) Palace of Granada غرناطة. The Spaniards took this style with them when they concquered the Americas themselves. Even today, you could find modern and traditional houses in the South-Western states like Arizona or New Mexico in the US.

The article claims that behavioral scientists and neuro-scientists are still working closely with architects to come to definite conclusions about the effects of environment on the mood. That is all nice and dandy. But even when they come to those conclusion, could we guarantee that this knowledge will be implemented properly and that greedy developers and timid architects will not end up inadvertently causing gloom and agony to the users of future architecture? I say heavy regulation should also come in tandem.

'Masser Children Discovery Center' ?

My colleague visited the Abu Dhabi Cityscape yesterday. Out of the dozens of photos he took on his new Cannon toy, these stood out as intriguing.

Do you guys know:

1- What is 'Masser'? and what does it stands for if it's an acronym?

2- Why are we relying on a European architect when we have armies of local talents? (Henning-Larsen is a Danish firm, who'd designed the Copenhagen Opera House among other things.)

3- Why is a 'children discovery center' on display in a real-estate exhibition?

4- Okay, so the form is intriguing, but I am not sure if this is going to be the actual color. Sand is not always a celebration of an Arab identity, you know. And not all kids end up messing around with their sand toys in the beach-side.

The obvious answer to Q2 is that this thing is probably EU financed. (because we're too poor to take care of our kids). In which case we're not entitled to question who is designing it, are we?

Dubai Jazz Marks the Holocaust Remembrance Day.

If you read the memoirs of David Ben Gurion, you will come to realize the extent to which he’d traveled to encourage the wounded population of post-WWII European Jews to migrate to the Holy Land. He’d tour their refugee camps from the western-most location in France to the far east of Poland. And he would talk to them, listen to their stories and their grievances, weep with them, and then tell them of what awaits them should they decide to come to Palestine; a safe Jewish homeland where nothing bad could happen to them. Never again.

David Ben Gurion was a visionary, he brilliantly predicted that when Colonial Britain would pull out from Palestine, it will only be a matter of numbers; which of the two rival communities (Arabs and Jews) could mobilize enough fighters and weapons to take over the ensuing vacuum? He needed more numbers of his own; the emigrants will take of that. He also needed less numbers of the rival community, no probs, ethnic cleansing should take of that as well.

When the Jewish State was declared, and instantly recognized by whatever global power that mattered at that time, the Arab states were taken aback. They fought. Sent their fragmented armies to fight the daylight theft of land and the outrageous crime of displacement. Or to fight with no clear vision at all. They were defeated. And the rest is history.

Today, an ex bouncer is ensconced in the confines of the Israeli Foreign Ministry, a racist pig who at 2003 had offered to provide busses to transfer the thousands of Palestinian prisoners in Israeli dungeons to the dead sea, should the Israeli government agree to drown them there. Today, Arab farmlands are still being confiscated in the west bank to build homes to the Jewish settlers. Today, there is no hope in sight of a Palestinian state. Today, thousands of Gazan families are either still mourning their loved-ones, or living in cold tents as refugees for the Gazillion time. Today, there are millions of Palestinians scattered around the world with no hope of return. Today, there is a racist separation wall and there are racist and discriminatory policies against the indigenous population of Palestine. Today, there is the occupied Golan Height. Today, there is a water crisis in the west bank. Today, there is grief and sorrow everywhere in the Holy Land.

You have probably watched the speech of Ahmadinajad in the racism conference in Geneva. Man, it was a circus. Every other arsehole in the media is reporting the walk-out of the European delegates (which is totally unwarranted in my humble opinion, because it seems that Najad’s speech wasn’t dissimilar to what I stated above. So one should wonder what bug was up the European asses as they walked out). Very few talked about the protests of the supporters of LGBT groups at the beginning of his speech. The sad irony is, glass house and all that, Ahmadinajad, with all due respect, should have known better than to throw stones while he persecutes homosexuals and squashes dissent.

A guy walks up to the podium every other day, and he is required to impress the crowd. He needs to divert their anger somewhere else. And between the electioneering agenda and the chirping quality of the Persian language, one is obliged to wonder if he really is sincere. And even if I’m thinking that Palestine needs and deserves better advocates and protagonists than this, what am I doing about it?

What are any of the Arabs doing about it?

Today, he’s the only loud voice in the region. The Europeans will find reasons (hell, they will concoct them if they have to) to walk out of any conference. The Arabs are more or less silent. And the Palestinian people are left in limbo.

That's what's happening today.

Best Spam Ever!

I recieved this promotional SMS today from Etisalat (the UAE telecom operator) :

Enjoy Syria Independence Day. With off peak rates, on all your mobile or fixed line calls, to family & friends in Syria, in addition to 50% discounton all SMS to Syria on April 17.

Come on guys, let's salute the flag!!

Dubai Municipality Notice Board.

If my information are correct, the concept of e-government in Dubai is very simple; the various departments are linked to a central server, who's in turn controlled and maintained by the IT specialists at the Ruler's Court (Diwan Al Hakim). This control entails everything that could be computerized; including revenue accounts, budgets, expenses, etc... The system is good. I wasn't here before it kicked off but I'd like to believe that things have gotten a lot smoother after the launch of e-government.

But I am not concerned about the e-government as a whole, my primary concern as an engineer is Dubai Municipality and its on-line services.

Before I start dissecting the services Dubai Municipality (hereinafter referred to as Muni) offers online, let me start by giving you a background of how we, consultants, operate under the statutory umbrella of the Muni. We are required to submit all project we design to the Muni, and they are required to approve it, if and when it conforms to their Rules and Regulations (hereinafter referred to as R&R).

It sounds simple, but it really isn't.

The R&R will vary according to the type of the building and the various functions within it (functions: the Muni likes to refer to those as 'Usages'). You see, the Muni can't invent types of building, or limit them. They are subject to the law of demand and needs. People need hotel apartments; the Muni will pen down the R&R vis.a.vis Hotel Apartments. The People need desert resorts, the Muni will jut down the R&R. Ditto for Malls and Amusement parks. The R&R are themselves split into several categories. Zoning regulations (those will vary from a plot in one area to another). Building design regulations. Environmental Regulations. Health and Food Safety regulations. ....etc...

You see, it's very complicated. And for each set of those R&R there is a separate department in the Muni. And although there is an annually updated book with all the Building Design conditions and requirements; a lot of the design work we do is pure guessing, shooting in the dark, filling the gap between one statutory item or the other, or just pure old circumvention.

Since it is the Building Department's job to review and approve (or reject) our (constulants') submissions; it was also their job to develop this service and bring it to the web-based era. Within the light of what I explained earlier of the complicated process, and the various departments involved, the evolution of this service to the E level did improve things but also made the complication clearer more quickly .

See, I am not criticising anybody. (do I dare to?) I am just voicing my observation that working with the Muni through their online system is becoming more exhaustive by the day. The obsessive disposition of some of the architects there to get all the on-line information correct to the letter doesn't help much either. There was a small revision on a project that I was in charge of designing (a Hotel Apartment building) couple of weeks ago. A small glitch in the electronic building card made the Muni architect's eyes pop like that of a frog. It turned out that the dude (no other than my own colleague) who was commissioned with the task of converting the description of the building from Residential Apartments to Hotel Apartments has bugled up the job so bad and left many information out. So what we had in hand was something that defies all technology in its hilarity; we had an electronic building card that says one thing on one hand, a different Muni record and approved drawings to match on the other. Now we (i.e. myself) were in a conundrum; do I, dear Muni engineer, submit to you the status quo of the electronic record, or the status quo of the defacto building? The first answer was that I may submit the former. I did. Submission rejected. Why? Because your status quo submission doesn't match the status quo of the approved drawings. My dear engineer, I did tell you that there was a discrepancy didn't I? I told you we're ready to correct it didn't I? Yes you did, but you should submit the status quo of the defacto building. I did. Rejected. Reason? The status quo of the building doesn't match that of the electronic record. SIGH. Listen my dear engineer; why do you care about the status quo if the end result is CORRECT? ...No! Status quo shall be rectified or else we can't accept your submission. And it is at this point that you realize it's not really healthy to develop an OCD about web-based statutory procedure. I gave up. After my final submission and the obligatory heated exchange in which I was called names; the project gets approved.

The project got approved because it was perfectly conforming to all R&R from the beginning, what held up the approval (the final seal with the fanfare and trumpet blowing) was the fact that nothing is official until the online system says so. And the online system is ....restricted (for the lack of a better word), by many internal softwarish impediment designed to ensure there's no manipulation or working around it. That's understandable. Web safety is important. Lots of viruses out there. Lots of fraud and Nigerian scammers. My butt being fairy white isn't enough reassurance.

Don't get me wrong. I am not blaming the Muni engineer. He/she is under pressure to ensure the system is being followed. I empathize with them, and they empathize with me, but because we both have different sets of allegiances, we end up shouting at each other when the crap hits the AC diffusers.

Now to add insult to injury. There's a new, massive, revolutionary and state-of-the-art service the Muni is introducing: online submission of drawings. Yes, ladies and gentlemen. We no longer need to print 100s of sheets and carry bundles like porters to the Muni HQ. We only need to follow a simple procedure. And that's that.

Oh, scratch that: did I say simple? It's not really simple. I refuse to utilize a singular adjective to describe it. Even 'complicated' falls short. Now before we submit our lovely drawings we need to 'convert' them to DWF format. (my brethren-in-the-craft of you will know that we do handle all our files in DWG format; the standard Computer-Aided-Design software file extension). But we can't convert to DWF right away. We need to arrange all sheets in a layout format. Fix the size. Fix the size. The size does really matter, you know. There are few standard sizes for any engineering drawings. A0-A1-A2-A3...etc.. Once the size is fixed. We go on about converting. Once the conversion is complete. We go on about uploading our files to the Muni website. Once we hit the crucial button of 'submit', a Muni engineer will be notified. one engineer at each department, actually. And they will review our drawings. 99% of the cases they will have comments. When the comments show up on the system once again (one of the advantages of it, I must concede) we travel to Muni HQ, our hands flailing empty at our sides (because the submission was electronic, no need to haul drawings! hehe, hoho!) to see the engineer, check up on him/her, send out some feelers about what mood he/she might be in, and then discuss the comments (which we already know and are prepared for, thanks to the genius of the system).

This process of online submission was explained to us (consultants) by one of the Muni's long term experts and, to give credit where credit is due, one experienced and old-school engineer who knows what he's talking about, most of the time. We were in a packed Al Madina hall. There was a cacophony of protests and grumbles of disappointment when he finally declared the importance of the size: "if there was one single discrepancy in the sheets' size of your submission, you will lose the submission and all the subsequent approvals, and most of all, you'll lose the deposit .."

Let me tell you about the money. Are you bored yet? good. The deposit is intended to make sure that the client; the owner of the plot of land, is serious about his intention to build the aforesaid plot. The deposit is calculated on the basis of square foot of what we call 'built-up area'. Simply put, it's the collective floor area of the building you're designing. The deposit can amount to hundreds of thousands of Dirhams in case of big projects.

I shudder at the thought of losing such amount of money just because one single sheet slipped undetected in different size than the one announced. I notice that my fellow consultants from other offices are shuddering in unison too. Every human being of a consultant in the Hall is pretty much aware of his capacity for Human Error. People start arguing. The experienced guy then explains that the IT company who's developing the submission software for the Muni is unable to find a software that could inspect the sizes of DWF files and detect discrepancies. He actually asks the consultants if they know of such a software, and if they do to please notify him, he doesn't offer a reward though. (but nonetheless, to all of you silicone valley zealots out ther; does such a software exist?) He then opines that we, engineers and consultants, should start to take responsibility for our professional conduct just like Doctors and Surgeons!!!!!!! do they not take responsibility when they operate on someone and leave the scalple or the latex gloves inside?!!!!

Surgeons!!! for God sake, Surgeons!!!

Surgeons? wait a minute; how could you compare me with a surgeon? with all due respect Sir, I didn't study for 6 years the theory of your system, and then specialized for 2 or 4 or 6 years to operate on your system. I didn't watch senior professionals operating at length on your system. I didn't read reviews written by other consultants about your system. How could you compare me with a surgeon?

Besides, surgeons could apply for, and get themselves shielded with, Professional Indemnity. We, engineers, do get these too. But it mostly has to do with structural engineering, since it's a speciality that is quintessential to the safety and security of any building's occupants. I know that speciality designers of Shoring and Post-Tensioned slabs do get them. And they're probably happy to pay the high premiums because by doing this they absolve themsleves from all liabilities. The insurers are happy to provide it for them too, because there are clear international practices with regards to Shoring, Piling, and Post-Tensioned slabs. And because the quality of their work is assessed by a third party....I could go on and on...

But what incentive could I offer any insurance company to cover me against my Muni system fuck-ups? for them it must be an un-heard of thing. Okay, all good things start with an initiative, so I may as well take it upon myself to start up the trend:

Service Needed:

An Architect is looking for an insurance company who is willing to offer him a Professional Indemnity Policy. The policy shall cover the architect against ALL the financial claims and professional consequences that might occur because of any screw-up he might perpetrate while operating on the Dubai Municipality Online Submission System. The nature of these screw-ups will be explained to the insurer in details upon contact. Other screw-ups may be unforeseen. He'd like to be covered against those too. He's ready to pay a premium of up to 500 DH per month. And the policy value shall not be less than 200,000 Dirhams per year. Interested parties may contact the undersigned.

Camel Clone.

Dubai: The world's first cloned camel has been born in Dubai.

The female calf, called Injaz (meaning achievement), was produced at the Camel Reproduction Centre (CRC) last Wednesday.

The team at the CRC, headed by Dr Lulu Skidmore and Dr Ali Redha, said Injaz was created from cumulus cells harvested from the ovary of a female adult camel, which were grown in culture before being frozen in liquid nitrogen.

I was pleasantly surprised to read this in the GN today. I've always thought that cloning was categorically prohibited in Islam. I then did some research and came across interesting Islamic Fatwas (edicts). Apparently, cloning animals and plants is alright. And it's even encouraged if it improves breeding and pedigrees. Under the following conditions:

1-There must be a real interest (or benefit) for Mankind out of this cloning, and not only a delusional pleasure [sic] for some of them.

2- The elements of corruption shouldn't surpass the benefits.

3- The process shouldn't cause any harm or pain for the animal, either on the long or the short term.

However, cloning of Humans is absolutely prohibited. Because, as the same article states, "God has created life on the basis of marriage, and that's why everything has a pair (or everything is paired-up). And cloning has many corrupting elements, and it's like altering God's creation".

The article goes on to list a few negative points (or elements of corruption) as the basis on which cloning of humans was inferred to be prohibited:

1- That God has created us on the basis of diversity. And cloning negates diversity. And for this the article asks "imagine a classroom full of cloned students, how does the teacher [assumingly not cloned himself] differentiate between one and the other? and how does a detective identify a criminal if all people were of the same build and had the same fingerprints? how does the husband differentiate between his wife and her clone? all aspects of life are going to get disrupted and confusion will prevail"

2- That cloning negates the concept of Pairing. Because God has created all living things in pairs.

3- By the virtue of its simple process, cloning doesn't depend on the mating of both sexes to propagate. And hence it's possible that a single gender could become self-reliant and clone its own members from itself forever. And the article states that one American woman had euphorically said after learning about this 'now we can rule the world!'. (is there an implicit admission on the part of the writer of the article that, yes indeed, it's the ability of men to produce semen that keeps this planet from getting controlled by women? :) )

OK. I am not going to argue with all that stated above. It actually makes lots of sense (regardless of whether you believe in the absoluteness and divinity of it or not).... But perhaps one could explain to me why cloning a camel isn't an interference in God's creation and cloning a man is? Perhaps one should also think of the biological diversity of animals and plants too? But there's a good point regarding the harms that could be inflected on the cloned person. How is he going to live? will he be able to develop his own identity? or will he ever be under the shadow of the person from whom he had been cloned?

What do you guys think?!

___________________________________
P.S. I could imagine the bigots (you know the ones who're obsessed with the association between Arabs and camels), I could imagine them having a field day today. Conjuring up all kind of funny scenarios why Arabs are interested in cloning a camel (a female one, mind you), and not something else. To all those bigots I pre-emptively say: kindly STFU and stop making an ass of yourself. You're not even funny anymore.

Time Machine.

Bu Jassem said my reference to Dr. Dre's song took him back few years. Well, I thought I'd try further. :)

Twilight.

The following post from the legendary Mike Sander's blog is so effing funny I am reposting it in its entirety.

There are roughly three things that have changed the course of humanity as we know it: The death and resurrection of Jesus, the American Revolution, and the release of the 'Twilight' series. While the former two probably changed mankind for the better, the latter has literally devolved the human race into a stupid, illiterate, and tepid half-shell of our former selves (that sentence may be awkward, but I wanted to work in "half-shell" somewhere in one of my writings, and I couldn't find anywhere to do it in my paper on the educational systems of Horace Mann that I wrote last night).

For the three of you who don't know (and you're probably old, so you don't know anything anymore. Soon you'll forget that you even have arthritis, bringing the irony full circle), 'Twilight' is a series of poorly written books by Stephanie Meyer. The revolve around a girl named Bella Swan who falls in love with a vampire, Edward Cullen (played in the movie by Cedric Diggory, best known for his portrayal of Cedric Diggory in 'Harry Potter and the Chalice of Malice). That's it. That's the plot of the story. Girl falls in love with vampire. Six words, which sum up an entire series of literature.

If the fact that the books are terrible pieces of inane twee babble isn't enough for you,'Twilight' has spawned a legion of giggling, inept cunts spamming every single place on the internet with references to how "hot Edward cUlLeN is! lololol", ruining our collective unconscious and slowly unraveling our strength and unity as a country. There are so many things that piss me off about these ridiculous fangirls, that I don't even know where to begin. Oh wait, yes I do.

Twilight fangirls, you must stop doing the following:


1)Stop Spamming Youtube videos with comments about Edward Cullen that have nothing to do with the video and turn the discussion into a referendum on how hot Edward Cullen is .

I'm dead serious. I didn't even make number 1 up. Go to any single youtube video, no matter which one, and scroll back a couple pages. I will guarantee that you will find a single comment, having absolutely NOTHING to do with the video, about Edward Cullen and 'Twilight', which causes every nine year old on the internet to flock to that video like pigeons to food. Suddenly, a music video you haven't seen in a while becomes 45 pages of "OMG!11!! EDWARD!1!". Actually, while I'm thinking about it..

2)Stop Knowing Nothing About Music.

This one probably pisses me the most. Again, I was on youtube a couple days ago because I had already masturbated and there was nothing else to do, when I came across the music video to "Flightless Bird, American Mouth" by the terrific Iron & Wine. Unfortunately, this song was included on the 'Twilight' movie soundtrack. I say unfortunately, because the comment page was loaded with comments about how the song was written ABOUT Edward Cullen. Hundreds of comments, proclaiming that "When I read the lyrics to this song, I KNOW it's about Edward!!! They have to be!" That's right, ladies and gentleman: a song recorded in 2007, and written, according to Iron & Wine member Sam Beam, years earlier, is somehow ABOUT Edward Cullen, whom I know Sam Beam has never heard of. I wish this was an isolated incident, but I have seen more dubious ones. I swear to God that this next example is true. About a month ago, I was on youtube watching a live performance of "Tired of Sex" by Weezer, one of my favorite songs ever. Because I was so bored, I decided to click through some of the comments. Most of them were pretty standard ("dude, this is an awesome song!") but lo and behold, about 5 pages in, was the following gem: "im not famiilliar with this band, but i think that this song is about edward from Twilight!"

THAT
SONG
WAS
WRITTEN
IN
1995

1995. 1995. 1995. 1995. 1995. I can't say it enough. 1995. Nineteen, Ninety-Five. 1995. Twilight, on the other hand, was written in 2005. Let's break that down even farther. According to this fangirl,

1995:

"Tired of Sex" written by Weezer frontman Rivers Cuomo about a character from 'Twilight.'

2005:
'Twilight' written and published


PLEASE, FOR THE SAKE OF MY SANITY, STOP. Stop spamming youtube videos with your ridiculous theories about how songs written BEFORE 'Twilight' are somehow ABOUT 'Twilight'. I literally just popped a blood vessel. My computer screen is now covered in velvet-red blood, because of that youtube comment. So don't tell me that this 'Twilight' obsession isn't dangerous.

3. Stop Proclaiming 'Twilight' as the literary masterpiece of the 21st century.

I know we, as the Facebook/Twitter generation, don't like reading very much. Over 120 characters is WAYY too much to read, and long facebook statuses are ignored. Our largely illiterate, vapid generation doesn't particularly know how to read, or how to read well, so the fact that such filth as 'Twilight' has an audience doesn't surprise me. What does surprise me is the number of fangirls that think 'Twilight' is somehow a masterpiece. It isn't. It reads like what it is. A cliche-ridden, completely empty tome filled with ridiculous sentences about Edward Cullen. The author of the series FUCKING SOUNDS LIKE a fan girl about Edward, for God's sake! Let us grade some passages from the first novel out of 10, with 10 representing a masterpiece and 0 representing a shitty, hollow and pointless shit stream of pompous failure.

"His fingers were ice-cold, like he’d been holding them in a snowdrift before class. But that wasn’t why I jerked my hand away so quickly. When he touched me, it stung my hand as if an electric current had passed through us."

Overall, I give it a 9/10. Oh wait, this is from a major American novel, not a high school literary magazine. In that case, I think it warrants roughly a 0/10.

"I was consumed by the mystery Edward presented. And more than a little obsessed by Edward himself."

For a youtube comment about Edward Cullen, this isn't that bad. It contains proper grammar and correct spelling. Overall, I give it a 8/10. Oh, it's from the novel itself? Hmm, in that case I'm going to have to reverse my previous score, and go ahead and give this passage a 0/10.

"It was difficult to believe that I hadn’t just imagined what Edward had said... Maybe it was just a very convincing dream that I’d confused with reality."

This is what I told my therapist about the 'Twilight' phenomenon, right? Dammit, this is from the novel again isn't it? 0/10

That's it. That's all I have to say. I hope this reaches some 'Twilight' fans and convinces them to stop. But, I doubt it; I went over 120 characters a long time ago.