Thursday Special

Few years ago, when the intensity of construction in Dubai was not so intense, our office used to contract a freelancing structural engineer. He was an asshole.

One of the projects he’d designed in 2004 is now in its second year after commissioning. And the construction/design faults are starting to emerge at the surface. Slowly and relentlessly. Construction faults are like natural phenomenon, they are going to show up no matter what you do. They are governed by physical laws, and the design/construction’s inability to meet these laws.

So this building has reported sick lately, complaining of cracks through its upper basement ramp—the one which goes down to the underground parking lot. The cracks are relatively huge, 3-4 millimeters in width. The reason, according to our present full-time structural engineer (who is not an asshole) is that the concrete of the ramp wasn’t reinforced enough in the direction that is supposed to resist shrinkage and expansion.

Cracks aren’t uncommon in construction. They vary in width and causation and seriousness. Most visible, hairline cracks you see aren’t serious. A crack has more psychological effect of unsettledness on a human that its actual effect on the building. And since buildings are essentially built to make the resident yuppie assholes feel safe and secure, these cracks has to be dealt with.

The way to fill such a crack, at a floor level in highly abrasive area of traffic, is to use a material called Polysulfide. It fills in nicely, bonds with the cracking concrete, and seals it against rain and weather element. It’s a very nice chemical (chemistry is quite underrated in construction). It’s an adhesive, durable synthetic rubber. It even feels nice to the touch, which brings me to the next subject.

What is it with assholes? I mean, if we were to diagnose their biggest issue, what would it be? Basically, I guess it’d be their being assholes. That is the most salient feature. Now, building on this conclusion, wouldn’t it be nice to plug the asshole? It’d stop being one. Think about it, if an asshole is plugged, it’s not a hole anymore. That solves more than half the problem. And since yours truly is boringly hetero, I thought the easiest way to plug those assholes is by using a synthetic material. And here, ladies and gentlemen, I prescribe the ultimate antidote for assholishness.

A long lasting, permanently flexible, rubbery soft, marine polysulfide sealant.