Tuesday, August 25, 2009

The Basic Strategies for Harvesting Your Ramadan Iftar

Your guide for all-you-can-eat & open-buffet Iftars.

First of all, it’s important to remember that while you can make a good proportionate dent in the balance books of the concerned restaurant for the day, you’d probably end up in the hospital before Sohoor or suffer throughout your fasting of the next day. So please, resign yourself to the fact that the restuarent is winning, they’ve studied their customers hard and they’ve put their prices accordingly. And they didn't only have you in mind, just look at all the losers and douches who start their Iftar by shoveling Sanbosak and other confectionaries (low cost items); they get done within five minutes and end up nibbling on the sweets and smearing their faces in the Jelly O……So in short, stop obsessing about the money you’re paying.

The best approach is to have a group of four friends (you included), although two will usually do as well.

You pick a table to your liking, doesn't matter where. Though if you’re into checking out the females, and since other diners and Iftarists aren’t usually sitting to their tables (they’d be piling up food on their plates), it’d be useful to check out the hand bags on the tables around the one you have in mind. Designer bags means hip girls who compensate for their mediocre looks by the expensive bags. Ordinary bags means you’re in a good company.

Next, you need to line up in a single file with your friends. Your progress up the serving tables shall be through the tactical military retreat (aka leapfrog withdrawal, I think): when a comrade goes down and leave a gap in the formation (i.e. when he filled his plate and must leave it on the table and come back with a fresh plate), you don’t allow the insertion of foreign elements into the formation. You consolidate, bringing the front guy backward, or, more preferably, bringing the rear element up to fill the gap. And you linger around in the your place, pretending to be confused or just plain slow.

When the falling comrade comes back, you give him back his old spot by either expanding the formation, or by using the leapfrog technique as mentioned before. Which means a comrade in the center will move ahead and overtake a comrade in the front, while the comrade in the back holds off the progression of the enemies in the back. There, your fellow Iftarist slips back in nice and easy.

Don’t worry about missing one item or two, one of your comrades will have gotten it on his plate eventually. You can always eat off each other’s plates. (if you feel disgusted or uncomfortable doing so, then you’re a pansy who doesn't deserve to be in the game from the beginning, go eat with the Jelly O population.)

Most often than not, people will not find out about your underhanded tactics. But on the off chance that they do, be prepared to ignore their glowering looks. If they voiced their anger to you, ignore them totally. Have you ever noticed how stupid a person who starts an altercation looks when no one responds to him? Just move on and pretend to be praying fervently under your breath. ‘Praised be Allah’ is highly recommended in this case.

When you’ve stacked enough food to feed a battlion, you retire to your table where you start eating with grace. That means you should only use one hand to shovel food inside. Lively conversations are recommended, but don’t get too funny, especially if you are, like me, someone who chokes easily on food.

When you’re done eating, it’s important to remember to mess your plates so badly, no matter how much food is left in it, so that nothing can be slavaged from them, and the restaurant loses. Don’t be fooled by promises that charities pick up leftover food afterwards. And even then, why should you allow the restaurent to get charitable at YOUR expense?

Finally, it doesn’t matter how you evacuate the restaurent. As long as you can do it willfully on your feet and not tethered to a stretcher. Hope you’ve enjoyed your Iftar.

6 comments:

Omar said...

That was great DJ!
I tried starving myself before an open buffet, bad idea. It's all about working the metabolism all day long, and eating quick. You don't want your stomach to be sending bad signals to your brain.

KJ said...

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!

Last time I went to a buffet I ended up 3 nights in bed with diarrhea and fever, so NO open buffets for me this year!

moryarti said...

"..Designer bags means hip girls who compensate for their mediocre looks by the expensive bags. Ordinary bags means you’re in a good company..."

You need to revisit that because thats not entirely accurate :)

Dubai Jazz said...

Omar,

Open buffets are bad idea. They only look, smell and sound good in the time prior to Iftar. Then it's downhill from there.

Dubai Jazz said...

KJ,

why no open buffet for you? khasa 3a rejjal. Diarrhea my backside. Let's get together one day and cause a heart attack to some restaurant's accountant.

Dubai Jazz said...

Mory,

I expected I'd be corrected on that one, but I sincerely thought the correction would come from a girl!